Most ministry leaders believe their congregations are friendly. Yet over a lifetime of visiting churches, my experience has often been quite the opposite.

Regardless of a congregation’s size or demographic makeup, people tend to file past my family and me without saying hello, offering to help, or asking whether we are newcomers.

Author and researcher Thom S. Rainer highlights a disconnect between visitor perceptions and those of regular attenders. While many churches boast of their extraordinary friendliness, Rainer says that claim rarely matches reality:

“We are the friendliest church in town.” In over 500 church consultations and thousands of church member interviews, I heard it. Most church members really do think their church is very friendly. But, more times than not, they are wrong. Guests who visit the churches usually have a much different perspective.

In other words, there is a gap between what regulars think and newcomers experience. Where such discontinuity exists, insular thinking and behavior play an outsize role in the problem.

When a group is insular, members are not receptive to new people or ideas. It’s like living on a remote island and having tunnel vision.

Insular churches struggle to welcome newcomers — or even see them. The result can be a congregation that plateaus numerically and fails spiritually in its God-given mission to love people and reach the lost.

While seldom intentional, insularity is a common blind spot that keeps visitors from returning and leaves pastors wondering what went wrong.

It doesn’t have to be this way. Leaders can help their congregations overcome insular habits and cultivate a friendlier atmosphere. It begins with seeing others, communicating clearly, and showing sincere interest in newcomers.

See Others

First, insularity happens because we don’t truly see others. It’s human nature to gravitate toward people who are familiar. Unfortunately, that tendency also makes it easy to overlook newcomers and outsiders.

Even when we register that someone physically exists, we don’t always regard them enough to take the initiative of developing a connection.

A sincere smile and wave or handshake are good starting points. Friendly expressions and body language go a long way toward putting first-time visitors at ease.

Guests can sense when someone is genuinely happy to see them. Create a culture that not only acknowledges visitors, but celebrates them.

Regular attenders are often unaware of how they come across to guests. Provide training for greeters and other volunteers. Have them practice greeting one another so they can receive feedback regarding facial expressions and body language.

Remind everyone to apply the Golden Rule when interacting with visitors: “In everything, do to others what you would have them do to you” (Matthew 7:12).

As people exhibit the warmth they would want to experience as a visitor, newcomers will feel seen and welcome.

Communicate Clearly

Communities of all kinds use language outsiders may not understand. In a church, this only increases insularity.

When pastors and congregants use insider language, people who are unfamiliar with the terms remain on the outside looking in.

Guests can sense when someone is genuinely happy to see them. Create 
a culture that not 
only acknowledges visitors, but celebrates them.

For example, many churches describe programs or ministries using acronyms. Provide the full name instead, or take a moment to explain what those letters represent so everyone understands.

Similarly, don’t assume visitors will know what to do — or why — during a worship gathering. Some in attendance might be unchurched. Others will be unfamiliar with your church’s unique style and routine.

Provide clear directions and visual cues when it’s time to move from one part of the service to another.

Explain the biblical reasons for such actions as raising hands, anointing with oil, or dedicating babies.

When guests don’t know what to expect, where to go, or how to behave, they might feel uncomfortable or even embarrassed.

Anticipate which aspects of the worship gathering, facilities, or congregational life newcomers might find confusing. Then be sure you are providing ample guidance online, in bulletins, from the platform, and via signage.

Show Interest

Finally, congregations can overcome insularity by showing genuine interest in newcomers.

In his bestseller How to Win Friends and Influence People, the first principle author Dale Carnegie shares is, “Become genuinely interested in other people.”

This is good advice for church leaders. It’s also biblical. Speaking of his ministry protégé, Timothy, the apostle Paul said, “I have no one else like him, who will show genuine concern for your welfare. For everyone looks out for their own interests, not those of Jesus Christ” (Philippians 2:20–21).

Paul made it clear that Timothy’s interest in people wasn’t superficial or selfish. As a devoted Christ follower, Timothy was sincerely committed to the well-being and spiritual growth of others.

How can we express that kind of interest when people visit our churches?

Start with a friendly greeting. Ask people about themselves. Let them do most of the talking. Listen first, listen again, and refrain from talking about yourself.

Focusing on others instead of ourselves is countercultural, and it will make a positive impression on guests.

Imagine the difference a local church could make if each congregant became genuinely interested in welcoming, serving, and loving everyone who walks in the door. I believe most visitors would return — and stay.

Years ago, my wife and I visited several churches while studying in Scotland. At one church, an older Scottish couple came over to greet us. Smiling warmly, they asked us about ourselves, leaned in, and listened to every word we said.

This couple invited us to their home for lunch after the worship gathering, and we gratefully accepted.

During the meal, the couple steered much of the conversation toward my wife and me. They seemed genuinely interested in our stories and spiritual journeys.

That experience amazes and inspires me to this day. The couple could have been unfriendly and insular toward some random international students, but instead they demonstrated kindness and hospitality.

Not only did we share a time of fellowship, but we also established a lasting friendship. In fact, we have remained in contact with this couple for 25 years.

How friendly is your church? Would the perceptions of visitors differ from your own?

Pastors want to lead welcoming churches that exemplify Christ’s love. But blind spots of unfriendliness and insularity can hinder the best intentions.

The good news is that every congregation can become a friendly church. It doesn’t take a big budget or complex program.

It’s as simple as treating people the way you would want to be treated — seeing them, offering clear communication, and showing you care.

Do those things well, and you will likely have more repeat visitors than you ever thought possible.

This article appears in the Spring 2026 issue of Influence magazine.