Can I be honest?” I hate that phrase. I understand it, but the funny thing is it implies that you haven’t been honest up until now. Of course, the truth is, there are times when we as leaders are not as truthful as we should be. I’m not saying that we intentionally lie a lot. But I am suggesting that there is a complicated relationship with brutal honesty and ministry leadership.

For some reason, we have been conditioned to think that kindness means avoiding tough conversations. Don’t say anything that someone may take offense to. That’s true of tone, but not content. We should never be cruel or demeaning in our speech. But we should also never avoid being honest when it counts.

The principle at play here is “speaking the truth in love.” Misunderstanding this is one of the biggest barriers to effectiveness as a leader. We take on an either/or mentality. Either I will be brutally honest with everyone and not care about their feelings, or I will be loving and never give criticism so they’re not upset.

Speaking the truth in love is not mean. It’s clear. It’s about being up front with your team. It’s about clarifying your expectations and evaluating their work. The only way that is mean is if it’s done in a mean-spirited manner. If we uncover a performance issue on our staff and fail to call it out, it’s actually hurtful to an individual’s growth. You’re not helping anyone by painting over mistakes.

Speaking the Truth in Love Creates Growth

Growth cannot happen without honesty. Paul identified some issues with the church in Ephesus, a church that he seemed to love very dearly. In Ephesians 4:14–16, he compared those who weren’t growing to “infants” who were “tossed back and forth by the waves and blown here and there by every wind.” Does that sound like a kind assessment? Maybe not. But it is truthful.

You have to be honest if you want others to grow. But honesty and love are not mutually exclusive. Paul goes on to prescribe the cure for immaturity in the church: “Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ” (Ephesians 4:15).

The truth can hurt. And that’s OK. Painful truth can create faster growth. And failing to address those truths can lead to more problems and wasted time. The mark of maturity is not that you’ve arrived and no longer have problems. It’s that you are able to address those problems when they’re pointed out to you.

No one ever left a conversation with Jesus wondering whether He cared.

That means that you need to be able to not only deliver truth in love to your staff, but you need to receive it as well. Are you ready to have tough conversations? Is your heart prepared to hear the tough truth?

The next level will not just require a back and forth, though. It will mean that you are encouraging this type of communication on your staff between team members. They no longer come to you when issues arise, but they can handle it between each other. That takes creating an atmosphere of radical candor.

The Intersection of Caring and Challenging

Kim Scott, a talented tech leader, coined the term radical candor to explain to the business world this same principle of speaking the truth in love. She learned from her own mistakes in leading a company into a $35 million loss and realized that honesty could have been her saving grace.

First, she says that teams need to be led by caring people. When you show people you care, you can lead better. But you also need to challenge them directly. Those two are not mutually exclusive, but intersecting ideas. When you can balance those two ideas, you foster an environment of open sharing and growth.

On the other hand, a leader who challenges without sharing is an obnoxious jerk. We’ve all been led by someone like that. They love to point out mistakes but are short on compliments. Then you have leaders who neither care nor challenge. Instead, they lead through passive aggressive tactics, hoping others will do what they need done without direction. Finally, caring without challenging means you let others think everything is great even when it’s not. If you never challenge your team, you don’t really care about them.

To make sure you’re practicing radical candor by speaking the truth in love, make sure you are grading your guidance. Are you giving equal amounts of praise and criticism? When one of those is off balance, the team will notice.

Also, create face-to-face honesty on your team. If someone comes to you with a conflict with another team member, don’t leave it behind closed doors. Take it to that person directly. When we are honest and open, it makes backstabbing impossible. But leaving things behind closed doors can breed distrust and confusion.

Finally, lean into Jesus Christ as our Leader. He had a knack for speaking the truth in a way that left no doubt about His love for people. No one ever left a conversation with Him wondering whether He cared. They knew He did. And that led to incredible growth for those who accepted His love.

Here’s how Paul puts it to the church in Ephesus: “From him the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does its work” (Ephesians 4:16).

Each part working together as individual powerhouses still need guidance. Are you challenging your team? Are you consistently showing them you care? Are you quick with the truth? Are you doing it in a loving manner? When we get those cylinders firing, the team works best together for the greater good of God’s purpose.