Parents make mistakes. It’s a reality that transcends generations and cultures. And ministry families are no exception.

I should know. A pastor’s daughter, I am a pastor raising three children with my pastor husband.

Growing up as a pastor’s kid isn’t easy. Being a pastor and parent isn’t easy, either. We need to say those things out loud to our kids and ourselves at times, accepting that no family will get everything right.

There are parental missteps our kids can laugh about later. Then there are errors that damage family relationships or hinder our children’s faith.

We must take care to avoid the latter. Over the years, I have observed four mistakes many ministry parents make that can have serious long-term repercussions.

1. Forcing Conformity

Pastors often envision their children following them in full-time ministry. Yet the life to which God calls our kids may look different from what we imagine for them.

Young people need the freedom to grow and discover who God created them to be. Forcing them into a mold of rigid expectations only leads to pain and resentment.

During his teenage years, my brother wore clothes that expressed his creativity, prompting complaints from church members.

Despite my brother’s appearance, he was always kind and respectful toward others. My parents wisely encouraged concerned congregants to have a friendly conversation with their son instead of judging him from afar.

Pastors often pressure their children into conformity for fear of what others might think. Nitpicking trivial matters like where they sit in church or how they style their hair, however, can leave kids feeling like they never quite measure up.

As parents, we have a responsibility to teach our children right from wrong. But we need to be sure we are guiding them in God’s truth, not our preferences.

This requires intentionality, discernment, and a willingness to see our children’s hearts.

2. Prioritizing the Church

A complaint I often hear from people who grew up as pastors’ kids is, “The church always came first.”

Thankfully, that wasn’t my experience. No matter how busy my parents were, my siblings and I always knew we were their priority.

I want to be sure our kids have that assurance. My husband, Carter, and I frequently remind ourselves that no one will be more influenced by our lives than the children we are raising.

Like every ministry couple, we have experienced seasons of overwhelming stress and busyness. During such times, it’s even more vital to carve out space for family.

Lean into comforting routines, such as pizza and movie nights, cuddling on the couch with a favorite book, or eating dinner out at the one place the kids agree on.

Through gentle correction, we 
help care for our children’s hearts 
so they can learn 
to live in God’s freedom.

Creating treasured memories doesn’t have to be complicated or expensive. Find simple, doable ways to prioritize being together.

Don’t assume being in church counts as family time, especially amid the distractions of ministry.

Jesus didn’t just call on His disciples to serve alongside Him. He also spent time with them away from the crowds — eating meals, traveling, and providing guidance. Jesus knew each of the Twelve personally.

God calls us not only to care for our children physically, but also to meet their emotional needs. This means responding to them as individuals.

For example, Carter and I know that a fast-food lunch date is the way to fill our teenage son’s heart. Our middle child just needs one-on-one time with no distractions. Our youngest loves to go shopping with me and read at bedtime with her dad. These are simple ways to help our kids feel seen.

3. Overlooking Discipleship

It can be healthy to unplug from church ministry when we’re at home. Yet our children still need discipleship.

This is a tough one for most of us. Rarely do I talk with ministry parents who feel they are doing enough to disciple their kids.

I’ve had visions of discipleship grandeur, imagining lively Bible discussions around the family table five days a week. Then reality hits.

Perhaps we make family discipleship more complicated than it has to be. Rather than trying, and failing, to maintain an unrealistic devotional schedule, choose a rhythm that works for your family.

In Atomic Habits, James Clear writes, “Small habits, when repeated consistently, lead to remarkable results.”

At our house, we’ve developed a consistent habit of coming together in the mornings. Some days, we read Scripture or a devotional and take turns praying out loud. On the busiest days, Carter or I simply say a prayer over the family.

When we miss a day or even several weeks, we’ve learned to pick up where we left off instead of spiraling into guilt.

Deuteronomy 6 reminds us to integrate discipleship into our family life:

These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates (verses 6–9).

A family discipleship habit can start as simply as discussing the most recent sermon passage over dinner.

Bible memorization can be a rewarding family challenge. Choose verses to memorize as a family, and print them out. Hang them on your refrigerator and on the kids’ bathroom mirror. Put a copy in the car for the drive to school.

When discipling children, it’s important to remember that we are sowing seeds long before we see fruit.

4. Expecting Perfection

Pastors’ kids often feel pressure to be perfect.

The reality is, our kids will make mistakes. As parents, it’s our job to provide both guidance and grace.

Establish expectations for the entire household by using phrases like, “This is how our family handles phones.”

Children and teens need boundaries. Through calm conversation before mistakes happen, explain that boundaries and accountability aren’t punishment, but protection.

When young people do mess up, address the issue quickly before it becomes a habit.

I often point my children to Proverbs 4:23: “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.”

Through gentle correction, we help care for our children’s hearts so they can learn to live in God’s freedom.

We should also follow God’s model of forgiveness. When we make a mistake, God doesn’t send us away to fix it on our own. He offers grace, draws us close, and invites us to lean on His strength.

Your child isn’t perfect, and neither are you. But where the Holy Spirit calls, He also empowers.

The same Spirit who leads you in the pulpit will guide your parenting. With His help, you can raise children intentionally and serve your congregation effectively.

This article appears in the Summer 2025 issue of Influence magazine.