My son, Reese, and I had an argument the other day that reduced Cynthia, my eldest daughter, to tears.

Reese and I regularly engage in intellectual sparring. He is a bright teenager, and we refine our ideas through debate.

Cynthia is all sweetness and light and hates any hint of conflict.

Normally, Reese and I sharpen each other during a weekly breakfast outing. On this occasion, Cynthia was in the car with us, my emotions got the best of me, and I yelled at my son. While Reese fumed, Cynthia cried.

An argument, according to Merriam-Webster, can mean “a coherent series of reasons, statements, or facts intended to support or establish a point of view.” That is what I thought I was having with Reese.

However, an argument also can mean “an angry quarrel or disagreement.” That is what I actually was having, as proven by Cynthia’s tears.

If Cynthia’s reaction was a mirror, I didn’t like my reflection. So I humbled myself and apologized to both kids for my behavior.

A few days later, I read Proverbs 18 for my morning devotions. Verse 21 jumped off the page: “The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit.”

An old adage claims, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” It’s a lie. Words matter, especially to those who hear them. They help or harm.

I am embarrassed to confess my bad example. As a 56-year-old dad with 35 years of vocational ministry experience, I know better.

But God’s words to Cain are true for each of us: “Sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have you, but you must rule over it” (Genesis 4:7).

Sin can infiltrate words as well as actions. That’s why Jesus said, “Everyone will have to give account on the day of judgment for every empty word they have spoken” (Matthew 12:36).

This warning especially applies to ministers of the gospel, for “we who teach will be judged more strictly” (James 3:1).

When we seek to edify rather than simply win an argument, people are more likely to listen.

So how do we rule over sin when it comes to our words?

First, listen. James 1:19 says, “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.” Disagreements become nasty quarrels when we invert James’ advice, responding with emotions and words first and only later bothering to listen.

After apologizing to Reese, I restarted our conversation and realized my disagreement with him was about nuance more than substance. We agreed on the big picture but differed on details.

Had I listened instead of reacting, I wouldn’t have yelled, and Cynthia wouldn’t have cried.

Second, look inward. Ephesians 4:29 says, “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen” (emphases added).

My wife, Tiffany, often asks, “Would you rather be right or in relationship?”

Tiffany is not suggesting truth and morality are unimportant. Rather, she notices when people weaponize truth in self-righteous, friendship-damaging ways.

For example, upon reflection, I realized I yelled at Reese to assert paternal dominance instead of providing parental guidance.

When we seek to edify rather than simply win an argument, people are more likely to listen.

Third, choose words carefully. Embracing Ephesians 4:29 doesn’t mean we can never express disagreement. Scripture includes both affirmation and critique, after all.

The issue is not whether challenging someone is appropriate, but how to do so wisely and redemptively.

Nathan’s rebuke of David for his adultery with Bathsheba (2 Samuel 12:1–14) offers a good example.

Rather than rebuking the king directly, the prophet told a story about a stolen lamb. The theft offended David on moral principle. Nathan then turned that outrage against the king’s adultery, saying, “You are the man!” (verse 7).

Had Nathan not calibrated his words to garner David’s assent, the message might have landed poorly, resulting in a different outcome for both of them.

Fourth, steward your voice. You don’t have to share an opinion about everything. Indeed, the Book of Proverbs praises verbal restraint:

• “Sin is not ended by multiplying words, but the prudent hold their tongues” (10:19).
• “Whoever derides their neighbor has no sense, but the one who has understanding holds their tongue” (11:12).
• “Even fools are thought wise if they keep silent, and discerning if they hold their tongues” (17:28).

I didn’t have to argue with Reese; I could have just listened.

By the same token, you don’t have to post on social media every idea that crosses your mind, or weigh in whenever you read or hear a contrary opinion.

Ecclesiastes 3:7 says there is “a time to be silent and a time to speak.” Wisdom is knowing what time it is.

This article appears in the Fall 2025 issue of Influence magazine.