Hello, my name is Karen, and I am a victim of bullying.” Such an ironic statement considering I am a school counselor. (Honestly, I really don’t identify as a victim; I just liked the emotion of the sentence.) My husband and I have served in ministry for 25 years, thankfully with very little drama. However, this past fall, we did find ourselves at the temporary mercy of a disgruntled former church member.

My husband and I tend to text during the day to communicate. So, when my phone actually rings, I sense something must be up.

Husband: Are you OK?
Me: Yes, just working. Why?
Husband: You haven’t looked at Facebook?
Me: Uh, no. Why?
Husband: You probably should. …

As I opened Facebook, my eyes locked on a 500-plus word manifesto written by a former church member. The person had tagged my husband, a few close friends, and myself in a bombastic post. It was a well-articulated running list of critiques … my husband’s leadership, mocking my friend’s breast cancer, our wardrobe choices, body shaming … and the lack of casserole deliveries when he or she was sick.

My first reaction was an unbelievable laugh. You know the kind — the I know this isn’t for real laugh. I had to re-read the post 10 times before it all sank in — someone out there in social media land really dislikes me!

As a person, woman and pastor’s wife, I can easily fall into the “I need to make everyone like me” mode. By nature, I am a people-pleaser, and I dislike confrontation. So, this issue could either strengthen me or destroy me. I had to choose. Rather than letting it wreck my character by responding to this attack with an attack of my own, I chose to let it strengthen me. I didn’t want to hide, or to feel the need to escape down another aisle the next time I saw this person at the grocery store.

One of the hardest things to deal with in ministry is when people leave the church, especially if you have invested in a friendship. In the past, when a person left the church, you typically didn’t have much interaction with them. But today social media has changed that. Whether you like it or not, social media brings them to your doorstep every day.

When people leave our church, I don’t unfriend or un-follow them. This can be especially hard when they post things like “so glad to be at a church where the Holy Spirit is moving.”

This issue could either strengthen me or destroy me. I had to choose.

Although the emotional part of me thinks “What!”, I remind myself of a decision Stephen and I made when we first planted the church: keep an open hand. In other words, we don’t “own” people. We won’t hold with a closed fist the congregation God has entrusted us to shepherd. These are God’s people — and it is God’s church — not ours. We choose to let people go with grace and with our blessing.

Letting go is essential, but it’s equally important to establish some personal boundaries to help me emotionally deal with the pain that comes from disgruntled words and people. Realizing that you can only control yourself, boundaries keep you safe from someone you cannot control or change. Boundaries prevent you from feeding into the other person’s bad behavior. Here are three insights that have helped me establish boundaries when attacks unexpectedly surface:

Maintain Perspective — Once all the dust settles, maintain the perspective that you’re dealing with a hurting person. This reminds me of the famous quote, “Hurting people hurt people.” A hurting person has nothing left to lose. The filter is long gone. Attacking others is the only type of connection that garners any attention. So, they go after everyone (you have to realize that it is not personal). They have lost their ability to be healthy in a conversation. So, they resort to what they know best — attacks. When I witness someone dealing with this issue, I often wonder, “They must be exhausted.” I cannot imagine every conversation being laced with such insecurities that it would result in brokenness. 

Temporarily Detach — I don’t talk to rude people. I am fine talking about issues, conflicts or disagreements with respect. I have learned that if someone is going to verbally assault me, I need to physically and emotionally remove myself from his or her presence. Until they can talk rationally, the conversation is over. This allows the attacker to have some dignity as you end the conversation. The less said when someone is heated, the better. By stepping back, you prevent unfiltered remorse — the regret a person feels later, once they realize how they behaved. By temporarily detaching yourself from the heat of the situation, you actually save the other person from a great deal of embarrassment.

Continue to Love — Rejection has no authority to define you. You are not a lesser person because you were rejected. Rejection has no authority to limit your love for others. Max Lucado says, "Refuse to let life's hurts poison your heart." Refuse to let hatred set in and make you bitter or fearful. At first, your willingness to love may be timid; however, over time, as your heart heals, your love for others will grow stronger. First John 4:18 says, “There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear.” Don’t let someone else’s behavior make you afraid to love again.

Although a part of me wanted to defend myself when I read the assault on social media, I did not. Just because you feel it, doesn’t mean you need to post it. Facebook took down the post because we reported it as bullying. This was a simple way to deal with the situation without escalating it with back and forth comments. The people who saw it — and truly know our character — did not believe the words. My community stepped in beside us, providing words of life that were a balm to my wounds.

Thankfully, I have no ill feelings and will always be open to reconciliation. Both this time and the next, I choose love.