I’ve heard deep friendship defined as two people sitting together for hours in silence without feeling awkward. For a guy like me who finds it pretty tough to sit in silence for too long, that sounds incredibly hard!

But beyond introversion or extroversion, the ability to sit in comfortable silence with someone is a pretty obvious example of feeling fully at home with another. There isn’t a need to entertain or be entertaining, just spending that time together is enough. It is a kind of quiet knowing.

If we are not experiencing God’s love, we will always be seeking from others what only God can give.

So the question is, How can we get to that place with loved ones, co-workers, or neighbors? Doesn’t it make sense that, if God designs us for relationship, real friendship is fed by a growing experience of God’s love? When we know down deep that we are loved, accepted, and affirmed by the God who created us and knows all about us, we are free to give ourselves to others.

Why is that idea so pivotal for human relationship? If we are not experiencing God’s love, we will always be seeking from others what only God can give. They will always fail us because we have expectations from the friendship that they cannot meet.

Henri Nouwen, the scholar, mystic, and — in his later years — caregiver, elaborates on this point:

I discovered the real problem — expecting from a friend what only Christ can give ... Friendship requires closeness, affection, support, and mutual encouragement, but also distance, space to grow, freedom to be different, and solitude. To nurture both aspects of a relationship, we must experience a deeper and more lasting affirmation than any human relationship can offer ... When we truly love God and share in His glory, our relationships lose their compulsive character.

Adapted from Dick and Ruth Foth, Known: Finding Deep Friendships in a Shallow World (New York: WaterBrook, 2017). Used with permission.

This article originally appeared in the August/September 2017 edition of Influence magazine.