As a minister, you know it can be difficult to step out of preaching-mode and into listening-mode. Talking is an occupational hazard. Matthew D. Kim offered great advice based on James 1:19 about how to listen more and talk less in “The Discipline of Listening” (Influence, Winter 2025). I encourage you to re-read that article.

I want to take a different approach to listening in this article, however. Rather than asking, “Whom do you listen to?” I want to ask, “Who listens to you?”

Can you remember the last time you felt truly heard? The last time someone was interested enough in you to ask you questions and listen well to your answers?

Another occupational hazard of ministry is that too many of us don’t have a safe person with whom we can process our experiences — someone who is interested in us and will listen to us sympathetically and confidentially.

What can we do when we find ourselves in that situation? We need to beware of both bottling up our feelings and oversharing with the wrong people simply because they’re available.

Instead, we need to be intentional about finding appropriate listeners. Here are some ways to do that.

Quality Conversations

First, we need to proactively create opportunities for quality conversations. We need to seek conversation partners, not just wait for them to find us. To do that, consider taking the following steps:

Invite someone to meet with you over coffee but share up front, “I have something I’d like to process with you.” Doing so lets them know your expectations in advance and creates an atmosphere of problem-solving.

Ask someone to mentor you. Set specific boundaries from the beginning. Agree on the frequency of meetings, length of time, location, and topics you’d like to address with them.

Set up a peer group. As a pastor, I met monthly in person with eight other lead pastors for 90 minutes. We processed issues that couldn’t be discussed elsewhere. We agreed to confidentiality, equal time talking, and prior notification if one knew they couldn’t make it. We took turns talking, listening and asking questions; offered encouragement and empathy; and prayed together.

I was also part of a group that met on Zoom. Each member shared for 12 minutes about something they wanted to celebrate and something else about which they needed input.  We kept one another in prayer between meetings and developed friendships that continue to this day.

Ask questions that invite discussion. Ministers participate in a variety of social events — a round of golf, dinner with friends and colleagues, etc. As you approach these events, prepare two or three meaningful questions to ask. Listen well but participate too so the conversation doesn’t feel like an interview.

Active-Listening Habits

If we want to be heard, we also need to listen. Active listening should be a habit that characterizes all our conversations with others. It means being present and engaged when they are talking to you. Here are some simple ways to develop a habit of active listening.

How you respond to people’s questions sends cues that you’re open to being listened to. For example, if someone asks, “How have you been?” you can pause and give an appropriately detailed answer rather than a one-word response such as “Fine” or “Good.”

When you’ve shared more than usual, make sure to end with, “Thanks for hearing me!” This tells the other person how meaningful it was to be heard by them.

A sympathetic listener can help you become the best version of yourself, both in life and ministry.

Another good way to indicate you’d like to raise a subject that needs to be heard is with a question: “Can I process something with you?”

Often, another person’s instinctive response is to switch to fix-it mode. If your listener starts to do that, why not say something like, “I don’t expect you to fix this. I just need to be heard. Is that OK?”

I’ve noticed that small changes in the way we speak can change the dynamics of a church staff meeting. Here’s a good statement, for example: “Can I ask a clarifying question? I want to be sure I understand your point before responding.”

How many times have we answered a question that wasn’t being asked because we jumped the gun instead of listening well? When our attorneys prepare my staff and me to testify in depositions, they remind us to wait until the entire question has been asked. Don’t listen to the first line and assume you know the full question. Pause and think before speaking.

Have you ever received a reply to an email where it was obvious the recipient didn’t read past your first line? Even when we have a question in writing, it’s still very easy to falsely assume we know what is being asked and thus to answer the wrong question.

A habit of active listening asks clarifying questions.

Study Opportunities

Now at home with the Lord, Doug Hollis was a longtime missionary to Indonesia. During a visit to the church I pastored, Doug told me that one reason he kept enrolling in academic programs (earning multiple degrees) was always to have mentors in his life. That is a great perspective on lifelong learning.

A classroom or learning cohort creates an opportunity to build relationships with mentors as well as with your fellow mentees. Sitting around a table talking deeply about a topic at a high level liberates from the modes of preaching and being preached at. We learn as we actively listen and thoughtfully participate.

Have you thought about enrolling in your District School of Ministry (DSOM), signing up for a certification seminar, or even pursuing an academic degree?

Professional Advice

Sometimes, our need for help requires us to employ a professional who specializes in listening, such as a mental health counselor or life coach.

Mental health counselor. When we are processing difficult emotions, we may need to find a licensed mental health professional, preferably a Christian who is aware of the challenges of vocational ministry. Counseling conversations are confidential.

A good place to start is the “Find a Counselor” tab on MinisterFamilyCare.AG.org. These are AG mental health professionals, including some who offer telehealth counseling.

You can also check out Focus on the Family’s ChristianCounselingNetwork.com, a broader network of evangelical counselors.

Sometimes, the best counselor is one recommended by a trusted friend or colleague.

Counseling costs money, obviously, so check with your insurance regarding coverage. Think of the cost as a long-term investment.

Life coach. Sometimes, we feel stuck personally or professionally. We don’t know how to get from where we are to where we’d like to be. In those cases, hiring a life coach may be the best option.

Life coaches are trained to ask powerful, meaningful questions that reframe the problems you’re facing. They don’t dive right into fix-it mode, believing that helping you discover the answer is a better long-term solution than handing you an answer on a silver plate.

Check out Coaching.AG.org for leads on life coaches. Coaching costs, so consult with your church board to see if funds are available for leadership development.

Reflection Questions

It is important to develop listening relationships in your life. A sympathetic listener can help you become the best version of yourself, both in life and ministry.

When you’re not heard, the temptation is to bottle up your emotions or to “leak out” with people who are not best suited to listen to you.

So, in closing, here are some questions to get you started on the journey to being heard:

• When was the last time I felt heard, and how did that make me feel?
• What three people in my world would be good candidates to engage in one of the ways suggested above?
• What must I stop doing at work in order to make time and space to implement one of these suggestions?
• If I think employing a counselor or coach is a good idea, what stands between my belief and actually making my first appointment?

This article appeared in the Spring 2025 issue of Called to Serve, the minister’s letter of the Assemblies of God.