What Grieving People Wish You Knew about What Really Helps (and What Really Hurts) is a very compassionate, clear, honest and practical book filled with an abundance of personal examples from those who have walked through the grief process and express what helped them and what didn’t

Even as a pastor I sometimes struggle with what to say to grieving people. People in the congregation have often said to me, “I don’t like to go to the funeral home; I don’t know what to say to the family.” My encouragement to them is to go and “just be there” with those who are grieving. The squeeze of the hand, a smile, or a hug is great comfort. Our role is to be present and listen more than talk.

Our role is to be present and listen more than talk.

Our natural inclination is to “fix” the grief and the grieving person. We cannot repair a broken heart, but we can encourage and sustain those who grieve. This book goes further. It instructs us in the right things to say and how avoid saying the wrong things. Well meaning people often say things that really hurt such as: “I know how you feel,” “You’ll be fine,” or “You can have more children” for parents who are suffering loss. It is better to say things that can really help such as: “I’m so sorry for your loss,” “I’m sad with you,” “I really miss (name of the deceased),” or “One of my favorite memories of (name of the deceased) is…”

Most of us have sincerely said, “If there is any thing I can do let me know.” Grieving people, however, will not usually ask for specific help. This book provides many ideas of things to just do when you know they need to be done:

• Take food and groceries to the home
• Clean the house and do the laundry
• Mow the lawn and rake the leaves
• Take to car to the car wash and help pack
• Gather a group and put up the Christmas tree and outside lights
• Take clothes to the cleaners

The book's author, Nancy Guthrie, gives solid Biblical and theological insights about death, grief, heaven, hell, and addresses the questions of where are the dead are now, can they observe us, and how does God view our anger.

As I read this book I was reminded of the story of a four-year-old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife. Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap and just sat there.

When his mother asked him what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said, "Nothing, I just helped him cry."

Gary Allen is a veteran pastoral counselor and currently serves as chaplain at the Greene County Sheriff's Office. 

Book reviewed: Nancy Guthrie, What Grieving People Wish You Knew about What Really Helps (and What Really Hurts) (Wheaton, IL: Crossway, 2016).