Phil, the pastor of a medium-sized church in the Midwest, never had anything but glowing reports about his ministry experience.

Each time our paths crossed over the years, Phil would gush, “The church is growing. God is doing amazing things. I can’t imagine anything better. Up and to the right!”

After a few of these assurances, I thought, This guy is really killing it … or he’s just using conference speak.

One day, Phil reached out to me, saying he needed to talk.

“Chris, I haven’t been completely honest with you,” Phil confessed during a video call. “I’ve served as pastor here for eight years. The first two were the honeymoon phase, and things were really good.”

Phil’s voice quavered as tears welled in his eyes.

“That time is long over,” he continued. “For the past six years, I’ve really struggled. I’ve tried everything they teach at conferences — outreach, serving in the community, leadership development, discipleship, software, website, follow-up, the whole thing.”

Phil explained that while some of these efforts had been successful, two stubborn problems persisted. His church was stuck in terms of growth, and he felt empty.

After a long pause, Phil said, “I don’t know how much longer I can keep doing this.”

I offered to stop by during an upcoming trip to his area, and Phil eagerly accepted.

Six weeks later, after sitting down to talk with Phil in person, I asked to meet with his team members.

I spent 30 to 45 minutes with each staff member, inquiring about the ministry environment.

Some were hesitant to open up, but several described Phil as passive-aggressive, negative, pessimistic, and nitpicking.

One staff member said, “Pastor Phil keeps track of every negative thing that happens — and I mean everything. There’s no affirmation, celebration, or encouragement.”

Another confided, “If anything doesn’t meet his standard of perfection, Pastor Phil points it out and looks for someone to blame.”

Rather than vision and strategy, Phil was leading in discouragement and fault-finding. While many pastors try to accentuate the positive, Phil looked for reasons to complain even when things were going well.

Over many years of consulting with pastors, I’ve discovered that such behavior is often a function of self-perception, or identity. Phil’s obsession with performance was a strong indicator of low self-esteem.

Phil saw himself as defective, and he projected his perceived shortcomings on others.

As I investigated Phil’s personal life, I discovered that his wife and children felt emotionally abandoned. He often worked more than 80 hours weekly. When Phil was at home, he was either preoccupied with the church or too exhausted to be present with his family.

The problem wasn’t the church’s staff members or the strategies and programs they were implementing. It was Phil’s insecurity.

Hot or Cold

What we believe about ourselves influences attitudes and actions more than we may realize.

As a thermostat maintains the temperature of a room, nothing establishes a leader’s temperament (or a church’s culture) quite like identity.

What we believe about ourselves influences attitudes and actions more than we may realize.

The link between self-concept and leadership style is what I call an identity thermostat (IT).

A lifetime of relationships and experiences — such as growing up in a secure or dysfunctional home, or internalizing positive or toxic messages — play a role in setting an individual’s identity thermostat.

This doesn’t mean past problems invariably dictate the future. Life may form us, but God wants to transform us and continually conform us to Christ’s image.

The apostle Paul said, “If anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!” (2 Corinthians 5:17).

Paul is referring to reconciliation with God and new life in Him. Difficult circumstances and painful memories may remain after coming to Christ, but we can deconstruct old ways of thinking, allowing gospel truths to displace fears and insecurities.

Proverbs 4:23 says, “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.”

A pastor’s thought life sets the temperature of his or her relationships and ministry style.

When an identity thermostat is at a healthy level, the biting cold of staff conflict, economic downturns, and plateauing attendance cause concern, not crushing anxiety.

Conversely, the warm winds of church growth, accolades, and invitations to speak inspire gratitude and humility rather than arrogance.

I know many pastors whose IT is set too hot. They are driven to succeed, constantly demanding perfection from themselves and others. Seldom satisfied, they treat every mistake and problem as a personal affront.

The internal engines of these leaders run on competition. When other churches succeed, they feel jealous — and even more driven to surpass them. At conferences and meetings, they view fellow leaders as competitors, not partners. Underneath their drive is a fear of not measuring up.

I know other pastors whose IT is set too cold. Whether because of childhood trauma or painful ministry experiences, they have concluded they aren’t enough — and never will be.

Harboring irrational fears of failure, these ministers remain passive to avoid risks, sabotaging their ability to lead effectively. They isolate themselves from other leaders, engaging only in superficial conversations during conferences and meetings.

In churches where the pastor’s IT is too hot or cold, staff members and volunteers expend a lot of emotional energy trying to manage the situation.

Transformation

Happily, the gospel is all about transformation. When a leader experiences life change, others will, too.

The apostle Peter is a prime example. Despite ministering with Jesus for more than three years, Peter was impulsive, mouthy, and violent. Rather than accepting all of Jesus’ teaching, Peter tried to control the narrative.

At one point, Peter tried to stop Jesus from talking about His death, eliciting a sharp rebuke (Matthew 16:21–23).

During Jesus’ arrest, Peter lashed out at the high priest’s servant, cutting off his ear with a sword in a bloody display of solidarity (John 18:10).

Afterward, Peter did the very thing he swore he would never do — denying he even knew Jesus (Matthew 26:35,69–74).

Resetting an 
identity thermostat 
requires new 
thinking patterns.

After the third denial, Peter wept bitterly (verse 75). Jesus had called Peter a rock on which He would build the Church (Matthew 16:18). As the rooster crowed, the grand vision must have felt to Peter like a shattered dream.

That’s not the end of Peter’s story, of course. He ultimately experienced forgiveness and restitution, affirming his love for the resurrected Lord three times beside the Sea of Galilee (John 21:15–17).

On the Day of Pentecost, it was Peter who stood up to preach, telling the gathered crowd, “God has made this Jesus, whom you crucified, both Lord and Messiah” (Acts 2:36).

Forgiveness, restoration, and the Spirit’s power radically changed an insecure, impulsive, ashamed man into a bold world changer.

God’s transforming power in Peter’s heart and mind fixed his IT.

Every pastor I know wants his or her church to grow and flourish. But in many cases, the church is stuck because the pastor’s IT was stuck first.

IT Reset

Several years ago, I developed a friendship with the founder of a large corporation. At one point, I asked him, “What did you do to become so successful?”

My friend responded, “Everybody asks what I did, but nobody asks how I think.”

The businessman let that sink in for a few seconds before explaining that any kind of success starts with the right mindset.

Resetting an identity thermostat is no exception. It requires new thinking patterns. The following five steps are essential.

1. Follow truth, not feelings. Just because something feels like a catastrophe doesn’t mean it is. Emotions rise and fall on flimsy evidence.

I’ve talked with hundreds of pastors who were allowing a sense of fear, doubt, or shame to limit their potential.

When we feel unworthy, hopeless, or helpless, we need to focus on God’s truths.

For example, 1 Peter 2:9 says, “You are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God’s special possession, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light.”

As God’s people, our identity should start with His Word.

2. Change the source of your validation. On whom or what are you basing your self-worth?

During one pastors’ conference, a friend noticed every casual introduction consisted of name, city, and church size.

If you measure worth in terms of attendance numbers, you’ll feel superior or inferior to every pastor you meet.

Looking to others for affirmation is natural. As one psychologist told me, “Your self-image comes from what you think the most important person in your life thinks about you.”

During childhood, the words and actions of parents play a large role in shaping identity. Unfortunately, many people are still carrying wounds and searching for the approval they did not receive as children.

Regardless of past disappointments or privileges, we need to seek our validation in God, not achievements or applause.

This may start with grieving and working through painful events. But it must ultimately involve viewing yourself as God sees you. This is not just a theological exercise, but a daily experience of His love and grace.

3. Find companions and helpers. We all need people who will speak difficult truths and point us toward God’s love. We need friends who will demonstrate Christlike compassion, understanding, patience, and love.

Every pastor could benefit from the guidance of a mentor or life coach as well.

If needed, seek the assistance of a professional counselor. There is no shame in asking for help.

4. Be a friend and mentor to other leaders. One of the most effective ways to internalize life lessons is by sharing them with others.

If you measure worth in terms 
of attendance numbers, you’ll 
feel superior or 
inferior to every 
pastor you meet.

Help colleagues apply these principles to their leadership. Remind those who are driven to lead with joy and kindness, knowing their identity is secure in Christ. Encourage the fearful to step out with boldness and confidence.

As you minister to others and see God working in their lives, it will reinforce your Kingdom identity and calling.

5. Join a small group or network. Every leader needs interaction with a group of ministry peers and partners who are on the same path.

Group members may live in the same city and gather in person regularly to encourage one another. Or they may be scattered across the country and meet mainly on virtual platforms.

Either way, take the time to join or create such a group.

I meet monthly with six other leaders via Zoom. We discuss challenges, offer encouragement, exchange ideas, and pray for one another.

Proverbs 13:20 says, “Walk with the wise and become wise, for a companion of fools suffers harm.”

New Growth

I worked with Phil for months. I referred him to a gifted counselor, gave him some great books to read, and offered words of encouragement. Yet nothing seemed to help.

Finally, I told Phil, “Your identity thermostat needs a reset. If you don’t address this issue, you will likely lose your best staff members and most faithful church leaders.”

I warned Phil he was also risking his health and family.

“If you don’t do something different, a crash is coming,” I said. “I know because I’ve seen it so many times. Phil, things have got to change.”

That honest assessment finally broke through. Phil became more attentive to his counselor, read the books I’d recommended, and sought God with renewed passion.

Phil’s life gradually began to change. God’s love eroded the granite blocks of perfectionism and self-condemnation that were keeping Phil from living and ministering in His grace.

I gave Phil some simple and practical steps for leading his team toward renewal as well.

One suggestion was building space into staff meetings for people to share what God had done and acknowledge those things that were going well. Together, they took time to celebrate these victories.

At first, it felt forced and a bit awkward. But in time, Phil and his team created a culture of optimism and appreciation.

Phil also took steps to repair the strained and broken relationships in his life. This meant apologizing, listening, and seeking to understand.

Although Phil didn’t experience an overnight transformation, he started making steady progress once he changed his thinking.

The best advice I gave Phil was to view self-defeating thoughts as weeds in a garden. It’s not enough to remove them. You need to go after the roots.

It starts with confronting insecurities and establishing our identity in Christ.

Today, Phil is a stronger, healthier, happier, and more confident person. His marriage is better, his team loves him, and his church is thriving.

Some young leaders have told me they don’t have time to deal with their insecurities. They figure they can outrun or outlive them.

My response is that the only way to deal with insecurity is to outgrow it.

This article appears in the Summer 2025 issue of Influence magazine.