Most ministry leaders like to talk, but I’ve noticed many of us have a harder time listening.

Over the years, I’ve often interacted with pastors who did 95% of the talking without pausing to seek my input or ask how I’m doing.

At times, it takes every ounce of self-control to keep from shouting, “Pastor, please stop talking!”

Pastors carefully hone communication skills, studying homiletics and practicing their public speaking. When it comes to interpersonal exchanges, however, the discipline of listening is frequently lacking.

Ministry is about people. God called you to a congregation, not a to-do list. Listening is integral to understanding those you serve.

Effective leaders listen intently and often — not just because it’s part of their job, but because they want to learn.

Listening provides opportunities to hear stories, glean insights, and gain perspective. Every conversation is a chance to learn about a person, family, culture, history, and way of thinking and being.

By listening, we come to understand experiences that are different from our own. We also signal to others that who they are and what they have to say matters.

People want to feel heard, acknowledged, affirmed, and known.

Like any discipline, listening can feel uncomfortable and unnatural at first. But it is worth the effort.

The Book of James provides a helpful framework for listening well. James 1:19 says, “My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.”

Quick to Listen

Have you ever witnessed a conversation where neither person is really listening? They’re fighting to speak and constantly interrupting each other.

To an observer, the spectacle can be stressful and perplexing.

Such an impasse is often a matter of pride. Each person believes he or she has something to say that’s of primary importance. They dismiss each other’s words, assuming there is nothing worth hearing.

The unintended message is, “I am superior to you, and my thoughts are more valuable.”

Ministry leaders are no exception. In fact, our default mode is often, “Be quick to speak.”

James teaches us to do the opposite: “Be quick to listen.”

This approach is not passive, but active. Really hearing what someone has to say requires attentiveness and commitment. It also takes practice.

Make a point of waiting to speak, focusing instead on what the other person is communicating — not only paying attention to the words, but also noticing such cues as facial expressions, emotions, and body language.

Listening means taking the posture of a learner, deferring to the speaker with the expectation of acquiring knowledge.

It’s an attitude that communicates honor and respect.

Ministers of the gospel naturally want to persuade others. But persuasion happens best in the context of a relational connection — and relationships often start with listening.

Slow to Speak

Being “slow to speak” runs counter to the notion that ministry leaders should have all the answers and do most of the talking.

Radio silence is uncomfortable, and we often have little patience for doing anything slowly.

I’ve yet to encounter
a person who became angry with me for listening attentively. But I certainly have provoked outrage by speaking rashly.

Nevertheless, the discipline of listening calls for a willingness to pause, observe, and process what someone else is communicating before making judgments or offering opinions.

I’ve certainly experienced moments during conversations when I thought, I shouldn’t have said that!

Whether interacting with a congregant or family member, I’ve found that slowing down helps me avoid sharing half-baked ideas or blurting out something I will later regret.

Listening to learn means moving to a second-chair position. Rather than being the teacher, I assume the role of student.

This reversal doesn’t have to feel demeaning, but it does require a mindset change. When I’m not the expert in the room, I refrain from leading the discussion. I am slow to speak.

To develop this habit, intentionally create situations where the discipline of listening is necessary.

For example, arrange a coffee or lunch meeting with someone who is an expert in a field you know little or nothing about. Ask this individual to teach or coach you. Then listen carefully, perhaps even taking notes.

Summarize what the person says, and follow up with thoughtful questions.

This exercise will train you to slow down, lean in, and pay attention rather than dominating conversations or jumping in with unsolicited advice.

Slow to Anger

Regarding communication, James cautions, “Everyone should be … slow to become angry.”

When there are differences in perspectives and opinions, conversations can quickly devolve into emotional struggles. Eagerness to speak leads to interruptions, careless words, and anger.

Before one person finishes his or her sentence, the other is already verbally nudging in to occupy space and claim the floor.

As both parties clamor for the right to speak now, impatience and frustration grow. So does the risk of hasty words, hurt feelings, and anger.

There’s a reason James warns about anger while admonishing readers to be quick to listen and slow to speak.

I’ve yet to encounter a person who became angry with me for listening attentively. But I certainly have provoked outrage by speaking rashly.

Failing to listen usually means someone will feel silenced, cut off, disrespected, misunderstood, or dismissed.

In many cases, those emotions lead to increasingly hostile communication, giving rise to anger on both sides.

Patience and understanding can help us avoid this contentious spiral.

Communicating Love

Developing discipline is never easy. Whether fasting or starting a new exercise routine, there will be some discomfort at first.

As the body sends distress signals, giving up becomes a real temptation. Yet staying the course through discomfort and inconvenience ultimately contributes to healthier habits. After a while, what once seemed impossible is no longer a burden.

With intentionality and determination, we can become more active and empathetic listeners. We can stop monopolizing conversations and train ourselves to be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry.

The next time you meet with others, make a point of practicing the discipline of listening. It will require some effort. But in time, you might just find that listening becomes second nature.

You’ll talk less, but you’ll learn more. Your relationships will improve. People will feel validated and heard.

As you live out James 1:19, you will also set a positive example for others. In an age when everyone seems to be talking at once and competing for attention, you can create a culture of listening in your congregation.

Being quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry demonstrates God’s love for people — which is exactly what ministry leaders are called to communicate.

This article appears in the Winter 2025 issue of Influence magazine.