Let’s be honest: Not every family gathering is an exercise in kindness, gentleness and self-control.

Oh, and joy — let’s not forget joy, particularly the “joy” you feel when a kid grabs the remote after the meal and flips on mindless drivel rather than the football game you wanted to see.

Consequently, a typical Thanksgiving or Christmas gathering may leave you more spiritually weary or emotionally drained than refreshed and grateful you made the trip.

A comical yet rhetorical question among psychology professors is, “Why do we teach functional as the norm when most every family is dysfunctional?”

So, when you gather this holiday season, just realize that virtually every family is experiencing some level of discomfort. We can easily imagine the neighbors’ lives are like a Hallmark commercial, when, in reality, most people can relate more to a flawed, stressed-out sitcom family.

As a marriage and family therapist, I have the strange privilege of peering behind the illusion of perfection to where the deep secrets of family dysfunction and the pain associated with its presence lurks. I can tell you that dysfunction is tenacious, but survivable.

Spiritual preparation is the primary component to a joy-filled time with family.

But the sad truth is, even the best-laid plans of godly leaders go awry. We end up irritable, passive-aggressive and fighting over the remote to no avail.

So, how does a person arrive on the island of contentment before embarking on the voyage of family chaos? To survive the holidays, let me suggest two vital components.

Spiritual Preparation

Before you stand in the pulpit, I trust you spend ample time preparing your heart. Why not do the same before spending time with family?

This holiday season, let’s not make the same mistake as King Rehoboam, who ceased his spiritual preparation. The Bible describes it this way: “He did evil because he had not set his heart on seeking the Lord” (2 Chronicles 12:14).

David prepared for his time on the throne in the cave of Adullam. Jesus, our Lord, sought the Father in Gethsemane before He faced the anguish of Golgotha. Likewise, spiritual preparation is the primary component to a joy-filled time with family. A heart overflowing with the love, joy, peace and patience of Jesus comes only through spiritual preparation.

Emotional Preparation

In my therapy practice, I come back to this one central truth on an almost weekly basis: You cannot allow others to dictate how you feel. You have the responsibility of caring for your own heart; you cannot rely on others to do this for you.

Walking around with your heart in your hand, offering it to others to validate or recognize, is often just a desperate ploy for attention. So, prepare your heart. Take time to play the soccer match that keeps you sane. Find the closest spa, and treat yourself.

Do what is necessary to care for your heart so that it’s not so easily bruised when someone snatches the remote from your turkey-greased fingers.

This article originally appeared in the October/November/December 2017 edition of Influence magazine.