During the years that my husband, Wayne, and I traveled as evangelists, we witnessed so many lonely people in the ministry. Some, whose confidences had been betrayed by others in their church, created an isolation rooted in self-protection. Others finally made a true friend, only to be uprooted once again by transition.

The two years after we planted our church were the loneliest of my life. In our previous position, we had dear ministry friends who lived on our street. The loss of that proximity, physically and emotionally, was hard to bear. But in time, the Lord brought it into balance by bringing friends I wouldn’t have been close to in another context. That process taught me some important lessons about continually cultivating authentic relationships. Here are five things I recommend.

1. Be open. There is a common belief among pastors that you should never make close friends in your congregation. While I understand the desire to protect the heart in a toxic situation, I do believe you can develop healthy friendships with church members and staff. They may not be peers who share the same calling and life path, but they can still be your friends.

You also need friends outside your congregation. Cultivate friendships with trusted individuals who will keep your confidences. Many ministers find that their closest friends don’t live nearby, and that’s OK. Thankfully, out-of-town friends are just a phone call away. Don’t be afraid to reach out to someone you’ve lost touch with over the years. That person may be seeking a deeper friendship as well.

2. Be intentional. In the 1980s, when my mother was teaching at North Central University, a female colleague reached out to her. She said, “I work in a world of men, and I need a woman’s perspective and friendship.”

They met weekly for many years, sharing about their personal and professional lives and praying for each other.

After I graduated college, making friends became harder for me. I had to become intentional about getting together with friends. When I became a mom, it went to another level, because there were only a few options for meeting up while caring for small children. We could hire a babysitter (which none of us could afford just for coffee with a friend), meet at a restaurant with a kids’ play area or hang out at someone’s home. It was worth the extra planning to maintain those relationships.

Pursue intentional time with friends, even if it’s not as easy as it once was.

Just because it’s more complicated doesn’t mean it’s impossible. Pursue intentional time with friends, even if it’s not as easy as it once was.

3. Be honest. Making the time to be with friends and never getting past small talk is frustrating. Even worse is when there’s a sense that someone is trying to portray life as better than it really is. Few things are more refreshing than truly open, honest conversation with a trustworthy friend. It’s healing. It’s restorative. It’s life-giving. It helps us laugh at ourselves.

I understand this can’t happen in every friendship, and it shouldn’t. But there needs to be someone, outside of a spouse, who can know our deepest truths. James 5:16 says to “confess your sins one to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.”

This is a function of genuine friendship.

4. Be engaged at every level. I have always defined friendship as equal amounts of give and take. If there’s more give than take, that’s mentoring, coaching or even counseling. If there’s more take than give, that’s receiving mentoring, coaching or counseling. It’s important to participate in all three types of relationships: friendship, mentoring and receiving mentoring. We get in a dangerous place when we only give. But engaging in these three types of relationships creates a healthy equilibrium of input and output.

5. Walk closely with the Lord. There are seasons of loneliness when the Lord is working deeply in us. We just have to walk through it. At those times especially, there is a special closeness that comes from abiding with Him. Rather than filling the lonely space with activity, lean in to the space with Jesus. Those lonely times in my life have led to writing the most meaningful songs of worship. Silencing the noise that I unintentionally create with the prattle of conversation has led to the discovery of life messages. And in His time, He has led me to new and unique friendships.

Ask the Father, the Giver of good gifts, for the gift of close friendship. And open your heart to the people in front of you.