It was a normal Friday evening youth service. We were playing games while eating cheap pizza in a room so loud you couldn’t hear yourself think.

As the regular attendees arrived, I noticed a new student among them. At a smaller church, this is one of the greatest sights in the world. Other students were quick to welcome him, including a few who recognized him from school.

I made my way over to the visitor and struck up a conversation. I discovered that he was from the church down the street. It wasn’t just any church down the street; it was the church down the street. He attended the big church that I often watched from a distance.

Instead of getting to know this student, I tried to glean information about his church. Worse, I followed every statement he made with an arrogant hyper-spiritual answer.

Student: Our youth services are normally an hour and a half.

Me: We have three-hour services.

Student: We have PS4s and a coffee café in our lobby, which is fun!

Me: That’s crazy gimmicks. Those teenagers just need an encounter with Jesus.

Student: On Sunday, we have two services. Each service is a little over an hour.

Me: That’s not enough time to let the Holy Spirit move.

This student didn’t realize that my comments arose from festered ill feelings I had toward his church down the street. In my three years at my church, I had never stepped foot in his church or even talked with a leader. Instead, I developed a negative perspective of how they operated.

The 90/10 Observation

Years have passed. I now serve in a different church and have a healthier attitude about other congregations in our community.

A few months ago, I received an interesting text message about something a local church leader had said about my current church. The statements were similar to the ones I had made to that young visitor. I wasn’t offended or even upset. How could I be, since I had once said the same things?

Instead, I marveled at the irony. It got me thinking about the 90/10 observation from Barna Group: 90 percent of churches are under 200 in weekly attendance. Just 10 percent of churches have more than 200 attendees.

Throughout my years in ministry and relationships with pastors, I’ve noticed a troubling trend: Leaders within the 90 percent are quick to criticize or form negative associations about the other 10 percent of churches.

That’s what I did. I was serving in a slowly decreasing church congregation that was desperate for growth. I became envious of the one church in our area that was growing. And I allowed my longing for growth to make me critical and abrasive toward the church down the street.

While I believe that at some point every church leader goes through some variation of this behavior, we don’t have to live there. Along with growing closer to Jesus, a lot of my spiritual and mental healing has come from serving under a spiritually healthy pastor and church.

As I reflect, I can pinpoint three negative attitudes that led me down the path of bitterness and rivalry. I hope sharing them will help others regain a spiritually healthy perspective through Christ.

I Compared Everything

Every church is unique. Yet I compared everything to the church down the street. My church of 75 and youth group of 15 were never going to compare to a church of 600 with 150 students. But that didn’t stop me from making comparisons.

I allowed my longing for growth to make me critical and abrasive toward the church down the street.

I started with good intentions. I genuinely wanted to learn and get better. I looked at the other church's website and social media pages to gain some ideas. I eventually built up enough courage to send their youth pastor an email. I hoped to have lunch with him and learn from him. He never responded — even after a follow-up email and call.

So, naturally, I got my sour face on, and my envy turned to distaste.  (A side note to bigger churches: If someone from a smaller church wants to connect with you, please email them back. It may save someone from two years of bitterness. I’m just throwing that out there!)

My motive shifted, and instead of comparing to improve, I compared because I wanted to make myself look better. It drove me down a path of self-righteous anger and criticism.

I Blindly Judged

The comparison behavior quickly turned to judging.

As I learned more about the church down the street, I looked for things they did that I didn’t agree with. From multiple services to 30-minute messages to coffee in the sanctuary, and even their dress while preaching, I became convinced that their approach was an abomination to anything holy.

My perspective quickly manifested to this line of thinking: The growing church down the street doesn’t have a spiritual bone to its body. No wonder people love it!

This was the tipping point. I continued to judge the church and its leaders for years as I sat in my office three miles down the street.

If only I had looked in the spiritual mirror, I would have identified my own flaws. I was dying spiritually and not leading like I should have. It’s easy to judge without being self-aware.

It’s imperative to ask the Holy Spirit to make us self-aware. The moment the thought enters to judge and criticize (yes, that still happens), I now evaluate my heart. More times than not, my judgmental side comes out when I haven’t talked to God in a while.

I Spoke Negative Words Publicly

I couldn’t help myself anymore, and I didn’t care who knew it. I’m not proud of it, but I remember countless conversations with new families who were interested in our church. During these exchanges, we always seemed to talk about other churches they visited.

They openly began with their negative impressions, which I welcomed and affirmed. As painful as it is to admit, I’ve said something like this countless times: “I’ve heard he only preaches 30 minutes. I’ve heard they only sing three songs. I’ve heard he doesn’t visit people in the hospital.”

I didn’t realize it, but I was causing division within the Church. I was negatively influencing people’s perspectives of Christianity — simply because I couldn’t get over myself.

You know what combats public negativity? Celebrating publicly. Hindsight is often 20/20, but now I find myself openly celebrating that church and other churches. In fact, whenever people relocate to my former hometown and ask about a church to attend, I can happily suggest that church down the street.

I spent two years feeling bitter over a leader who doesn’t even know I exist. I allowed my unhealthy thoughts to lead to unhealthy conversations about a church I knew nothing about. It was all assumptions I made to make myself feel better.

I tried to look spiritual on the outside. I even thought I was taking a stand for what I believed was right, but I tragically convinced myself I had to expose and corrupt the church down the street because, deep down, I was jealous. On the inside, I was slowly decaying, but I kept this concealed under a mask of religion.

It turns out that church down the street is a great church. It’s a church living out Jesus’ mission and seeing people’s lives changed. It is seeing people get connected to their purpose. It is seeing people restored. Go figure!

In your city, there will likely always be a church that’s bigger. They will probably have more resources, a nicer facility and more staff. There may be times when you’ll wonder why another church is growing and yours is not.

But it’s important to understand something I ignored for two years: Just because the church down the street does things a little differently doesn’t mean it's wrong. I learned that the hard way, but you don’t have to.