It’s difficult when a longtime congregant and friend leaves your church. It’s even worse when that person leaves the faith, turning away from what he or she once believed about God, the Bible, Jesus Christ, the Church, and Christianity.

What can you do and say in such times? Over the years, after making nearly every mistake in the book, I’ve learned the following 10 counterintuitive yet powerful things about how to respond.

1. Love unconditionally.

2. Invite the person to tell his or her story. If your friend opens up, just listen. Don’t ask questions. Don’t interrupt, except to affirm that you’re still actively listening.

3. Remain unshockable. Don’t react to anything he or she says, no matter how ugly or angry it sounds. Don’t take it personally, even if it seems personal.

4. Keep listening, even after the person finishes talking. While on business in Orlando, Florida, I met a man named Leonard who poured out his heart to me. I listened intently without saying a word. When he finished, I kept looking into Leonard’s angry, deeply hurt eyes and didn’t say anything. After a minute, with deepest sadness he said, “All I needed was hope and mercy.”

What a profoundly haunting lament. Yet if I had started talking, I never would have heard what he needed.

5. Listen some more. Even after your friend tells you what he or she needs, keep listening.

After Leonard told me, “All I needed was hope and mercy,” I remained quiet for another minute. I let my eyes do all the talking. Finally, his eyes and facial expressions began to soften. (Only God’s love can do that.) Then Leonard told me, “And by listening to my story, you’ve given me both.”

Changing a person’s heart is God’s work, not yours.

6. Don’t promise to meet your friend’s needs. Hurting people often want to know the answer to their burning question: Why?

Don’t even try to guess. Speculation will only ruin your credibility.

7. Consider inviting a mutual friend with a strong faith in Christ to join the conversation at some point in the future.

Sometimes, bringing in another listener can help. It could be a pastor, professor, psychologist or church leader — or just a wise and respected believer.

8. Ask if you can pray for your friend. If you get an affirmative response, pray right then. Then assure him or her that you will continue to pray. Prayer invites Jesus back into the picture.

9. At the right time, invite your friend to read the Bible with you. Read one of the four Gospels together. As you read, pray that your friend will fall in love with Jesus again.

10. Stay in touch with your friend, no matter what. Don’t make your friendship contingent on the person coming back to faith in Jesus Christ.

Changing a person’s heart is God’s work, not yours. It may take years for your friend to return to the faith.

Never give up on your friendship. True, some will walk away and never return. But never let it be said that you walked away.