The holiday season is upon us. Over the next couple of months, families and friends will gather around tables to give thanks and to celebrate the birth of our Savior.  We have also just come through a contentious election season that has left many with piqued emotions. This backdrop provides more than enough opportunity for difficult conversations that can lead to tension and conflict, and I do not believe that we should avoid difficult topics like religion and politics when we gather together.  Honestly, I believe we feel a greater division between us right now because we have avoided the challenges of conflict rather than being willing to really stay present while seeking to understand each other. But no one desires conversation, especially with family and friends, to be hostile. Given these challenges, how do we diffuse arguments so that they do not become a stumbling block to relationship?

As a Rhetorician, I teach people how to communicate more effectively including how to engage productively in argument. How we talk about things matters. The book of James gives us one of the best strategies to help us engage arguments that provide opportunity for understanding. James 1: 19-20 (NLT) reads, “Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry. Human anger does not produce the righteousness God desires.”

Be Quick to Listen
James places the admonition to listen first. This is intentional. More often than not, especially in our age of instant communication, we listen primarily to respond. We are formulating our thoughts and constructing our rebuttals before the other person is able to complete a full sentence. We hear buzz words that we seize upon and are reactionary in our response as a result. A better way is to practice active listening. Eliminate as much distraction as possible. Look the other person who is speaking in the eye. Do not assume motive on behalf of the other person. Ask clarifying questions using language like, “I hear you saying...is that what you intended?”

As leaders, we have to both model and teach others how to deal with difficult conversations well.

Be Slow to Speak
Before responding to those who disagree with you, take a deep breath. This slows your heart rate and purges nervous anxiety.  When you do speak, continue to practice “I/You” language that places the responsibility on to you and avoids defensive postures or reactions from the others involved. Acknowledge what you appreciate or agree with in the other person or their position. Present your point-of-view from experience or knowledge but with humility, acknowledging that while your position is yours, you are not the final authority. Do not dominate the conversation by engaging in a monologue. Do not talk over the other person. Try to avoid overwhelming emotions that may be off putting to others involved in the conversation. Above all, stick to the topic at hand and avoid any language that could be perceived as a personal attack. Confront ideas and facts, not people.

Be Slow to Anger
When we listen well and are thoughtful in our speech, we can still feel passionately but we avoid potential negative emotions. Anger can be righteous, but it rarely manifests itself that way in a heated argument. Continue to breathe deeply. Honor the other person for their perspective and how they may have come to their position. Be kind in your tone, pace and choice of words. Just because someone opposes your positions, it does not make them your enemy — and even if it did — Jesus gives us a greater command to love them than to win the argument. Avoiding anger keeps the conversation on a level playing field and allows for greater possibility of finding places of agreement. Take a break and schedule a time to come back to the conversation if necessary.

As leaders, we have to both model and teach others how to deal with difficult conversations well. Arguments and disagreement should not be avoided, as avoidance creates another set of problems entirely. By modeling and providing space for productive argument, we can demonstrate for others how to diffuse those conversations that create division and engage those that allow for healthy understanding.