It happens every weekend in our churches. People arrive to worship Jesus — perhaps alone, often with other family members, and even multiple generations can be seen worshipping side by side. It’s picture perfect. Then the worship gathering begins and so do the preferences.

People may not know how to verbalize their preferences for fear of sounding critical or irreverent, but some feel a troubling disconnect between what helps and hinders their worship. Song selection, arrangement of music and instruments, as well as volume and lighting, are a few of the more common issues within the broader topic of preference.

We all have preferences, and they touch every facet of our lives. Clothes, cars, housing, careers — all of these turn us into consumers. Our choices in worship, then, also tend to follow what we like or dislike.

The Problem of Preferences

In my years of ministry, I have never met someone who deliberately attended church to be a worship critic. But many leave with a certain sadness that they didn’t worship well, and they become critical over time because they don’t quite know how to express their feelings, even less how to resolve them.

Because of this, congregants eventually view their worship as an obstacle to overcome before the teaching from their pastor begins. Instead of the worship music opening their spirit to receive the Word, these dear people wrestle with themselves.

Every one of us has a heart song, the certain number or style that accompanied our decision to follow Jesus. The Holy Spirit used it to draw us, convict us of sin, and speak to our very core, bringing us to repentance. That music will always be near and dear to us. Whenever we hear it, we find ourselves moved to the time and place when we were born again.

This worship music is uniquely spiritual to each of us. Other music will come close but may never match that pinnacle moment in our spirit’s journey with Jesus. Changes in worship music may become difficult to navigate.

Yet, change has always been with us. The music of the Church has been changing since its beginning, and it will continue to do so. J.S. Bach served as an organist for worship and had multiple critics who complained about the complexity of his compositions for the Church.

When loving actions accompany it, preference is biblical!

Hymns were once criticized because they were not quoting the psalms and thereby teaching pure scripture. More recently, some complain of repetition, yet are moved to tears at the singing of Handel’s “Hallelujah Chorus” with its many repetitions of “Hallelujah.” New worship songs are considered suspect by many, yet their content may be much stronger than the testimony songs made famous during tent revivals.

Could it be that the problem of preference is a universal human problem? I believe it is, and furthermore it is one of the problems that consistently creeps into our churches, leaving division and discord in its path.

Unhappy people often find others who share their discontent and then proceed to commiserate and lobby for their cause. Still others, whose heart song is very recent, believe their views represent the Church at large.

What the Bible Says

What does the Word say about all of this and how can we apply it to everyone without exception? Two passages stand out.

In Matthew 22:37–39, “Jesus said to him, ‘You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind.’ This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like it: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself’” (NKJV). It is this final statement that is so difficult for us.

We understand loving our spouse and children to the level that we place their needs above our own. But it is difficult to live out that kind of love to those outside of our immediate circle, and perhaps painful to show sacrificial love to those who do not agree with us.

An even more direct verse is Romans 12:10: “Be kindly affectionate to one another with brotherly love, in honor giving preference to one another” (NKJV). I love the direction in the Romans passage to prefer one another. When loving actions accompany it, preference is biblical! This scriptural directive could improve all of life, not just worship alone.

Preferring One Another

There are several actions we can employ to help us prefer one another:

Look at the lyrics first, style second. What is the song trying to say? Is it biblically accurate? This is not a recent criterion. Hymns and gospel songs have always had to pass this test and some failed. “Under The Spout, Where the Glory Comes Out” is the title of an older gospel song that should be discarded based on this simple test.

Pray about “you,” not about “them.” You can learn and change at any age and stage. Ask God to help you see the good and then communicate that good to those who need to hear it. Don’t allow your voice to always be negative.

Remind yourself frequently that God’s preferences always begin with the heart. Everything else is external and secondary. This is difficult because the heart is invisible, and we are only left with the visible. We prejudge based on our perceptions and experiences. It’s a natural process.

We know, for instance, that one guitar can be loud, so we assume that two guitars will certainly be louder. I call this “visual volume,” an assumption based on what we see and not on reality.

God, on the other hand, looks at the heart first and sees the motives, the surrender, the pure worship. He isn’t troubled by the volume of a 100-voice choir or 8-piece worship band (which may be equally loud). God is concerned with the heart. King David’s prayer says it well: “Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me” (Psalm 51:10, NKJV).

Take someone outside of your normal circle to coffee or lunch. Ask about their values and desires in worship. Tell them yours, then pray together. Unity is best built one-on- one through deliberate acts of kindness.

Immerse yourself in new styles of worship. Appreciation is linked to understanding and understanding will affect both your head and heart. Don’t shelter yourself from new ways to worship the King. You might continue to have your favorite set of songs and environment, but expanding your vocabulary of praise is always pleasing to the Father and healthy for His people.

Finally, remember that how we worship here on earth is only a prelude to the glorious praise we will experience in heaven. Even now the saints are caught up in praising the Lamb around the throne. They aren’t singing my song, and they aren’t singing your song. They are singing the perfect song.

“Then I looked, and I heard the voice of many angels around the throne, the living creatures, and the elders; and the number of them was ten thousand times ten thousand, and thousands of thousands, saying with a loud voice:

‘Worthy is the Lamb who was slain
To receive power and riches and wisdom,
And strength and honor and glory and blessing!’

And every creature which is in heaven and on the earth and under the earth and such as are in the sea, and all that are in them, I heard saying:

‘Blessing and honor and glory and power
Be to Him who sits on the throne,
And to the Lamb, forever and ever!’

Then the four living creatures said, ‘Amen!’ And the twenty-four elders fell down and worshiped Him who lives forever and ever” (Revelation 5:11–14, NKJV).

And to that I echo, “Amen and Amen!”