When I sensed God calling me into ministry during my teen years, I naturally assumed I would become a pastor’s wife. After all, I had seen few examples of women in other ministry roles.

Even throughout college, I persisted in this belief.

However, the Lord had other plans. Not only did I not marry a minister, but God asked me to become a pastor.

Years after starting my ministry journey with the Assemblies of God, I finally married. My husband, Chuck, had an established career as a critical care nurse.

As I prepared to step into the role of lead pastor at Rockside Church (AG) in Independence, Ohio, I knew we were charting a course that is anything but typical.

During the interview process at Rockside, Chuck asked, “What are your expectations of me as the pastor’s husband?”

The search committee members seemed genuinely stumped. They were kind and said they didn’t have specific expectations for him.

I was surprised by this answer. If the roles had been reversed, and the pastor’s spouse had been female, I imagine there would have been more expectations.

That got me thinking: What should a church reasonably expect from a pastor’s spouse? What if the pastor’s wife has a demanding career of her own? And what if the “pastor’s wife” is a man?

I suggest we start rethinking this issue in several ways.

Challenge Assumptions

Assumptions are everywhere, not just in the church world. When Chuck walks into a room at the hospital, it is not uncommon for a patient or family member to assume he is the doctor simply because he is male.

A friend once remarked that anyone hearing about a pastor marrying a nurse would likely have preconceived notions about who was in which role — and in the case of Chuck and me, they would be wrong.

Stereotypes are hard to shake. Unfortunately, they often box people in and keep them from experiencing a full range of options.

Not only do biases hurt individuals, but they also limit organizations. Assuming the ideal pastor has a stay-at-home wife will eliminate some great candidates — as will assuming the ideal pastor is married, or a man, or a certain race, ethnicity, age, etc.

Challenge such assumptions, seeking God’s will and remaining open to the diverse possibilities His kingdom has to offer.

Clarify Expectations

Why don’t the usual expectations of a pastor’s wife apply equally to a pastor’s husband? Perhaps it’s time to dispense with some of those expectations altogether.

When a married man becomes a pastor, the congregation often assumes his spouse will occupy an unpaid working role in the church.

However, when I brought on board my current staff pastor and his wife, both of whom are credentialed ministers, I wanted to avoid any confusion around expectations. So, I hired them into individual roles and paid them accordingly. That way, no one had a two-for-one mindset — that is, expecting two people to work for one paycheck.

Managing expectations is a laborious task. Everyone has ideas about how something should be done, who should be doing it, and in what time frame it should take place.

Meanwhile, my husband is busy with his medical career and is not involved in the daily activities of church life. He is not on the church’s payroll, and no one considers him a pastor or staff member just because he is married to me.

Clarify expectations up front, making sure all parties have a clear understanding of roles, titles, duties and pay. And don’t expect the pastor’s spouse to do more volunteer work than the average congregant.

Create Flexibility

Pastors’ spouses remain influential in local churches. Congregants often look to them as role models, which is not necessarily a bad thing. However, it can create confusion when everyone considers the pastor’s spouse a pastor by extension.

The ministry world is the only place where people automatically assume couples share the same job. We don’t expect an attorney’s spouse to practice law or a teacher’s spouse to volunteer every day in the classroom.

Of course, I know many women who feel called to partner with and alongside their husbands in ministry — which is great.

Some women are serving as lead pastors, co-pastors or staff pastors.

Other women are married to pastors yet work outside the home and don’t feel the same sense of calling to the ministry as their husbands.

All of these things should be OK. We need to see, value and accept variations in gifts and callings.

Recognize that every situation is different. Remain open and flexible regarding what a pastor’s spouse can do or feels called to do in the church.

Commit to Prayer

People are often quick to judge situations based on appearances rather than seeking God’s perspective.

This is nothing new. Biases and prejudices are part of our fallen human nature. When God sent Samuel to anoint the next king of Israel, brother after brother passed by. To Samuel’s surprise, the Lord did not choose any of these seemingly excellent candidates because He saw beyond what people perceived.

According to 1 Samuel 16:7, “The Lord said to Samuel, ‘Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.’”

Pray for God’s insights while navigating these sensitive issues. Ask the Holy Spirit for wisdom and creativity as you seek His best for the church, the pastor, and his or her spouse.

Communicate Needs

A Google search for “expectations of a pastor’s wife” yields a number of results. But change the final search term to “husband,” and there is little information.

Early in my tenure as lead pastor, Chuck remarked that he had looked online for resources relating to pastors’ husbands and found almost nothing.

Oftentimes Chuck is unable to attend network events, meetings or conferences with me because of his job. Thankfully, people have been gracious and understanding about this.

Such circumstances are not unique to pastors’ husbands, of course. Many pastors’ wives have similar work-related challenges, though they may feel more pressure to be everywhere at once.

Managing expectations is a laborious task. Everyone has ideas about how something should be done, who should be doing it, and in what time frame it should take place.

Talking about work and family conflicts can head off issues with church leaders or members who might expect the pastor’s spouse to attend every event.

Clearly communicate specific needs to the congregation and help them understand what the pastor’s spouse can and cannot do.

Being married to the pastor can be stressful, especially when there are unrealistic and unfair expectations. Extending grace will make it easier for individuals filling these roles to support their spouses’ ministry rather than resenting it.

This article appears in the Fall 2023 issue of Influence magazine.