I shifted in my seat, staring at the meal I’d barely touched.

After a long stretch of awkward small talk, my college pastor finally asked, “Was there something in particular you wanted to talk about?”

I couldn’t bring myself to say it.

When I asked for a meeting two days earlier, my pastor had suggested a day and time to get together for breakfast. He had no way of knowing that after making the appointment, I considered taking my life to get out of the conversation.

I had never told anyone about my exclusive attraction to women — much less my lifelong desire to be a man. I longed for freedom, but I felt stuck.

During a Christian conference session I attended on overcoming addictive behavior, the speaker said the key to freedom was James 5:16: “Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.”

That Word pierced my heart. So, I scheduled the meeting with my pastor.

At 21, I was a lead volunteer in the college ministry, and my pastor had invited me to stay on as a staff member after graduation. Would he respond with disgust and rejection? Would he shame me, expose my sin to the group, and excommunicate me?

Opening up was the biggest risk I had ever taken.

After hearing my secret, my pastor said tenderly, “Thank you for trusting me. I know that took a lot of courage, and I want you to know that doesn’t change our opinion of you. We love you. We see the hand of God on your life, and we are going to get you the help you need.”

That was a phenomenal response in 1994.

Because my pastor responded with compassion without compromising biblical truth, I took the first step toward an 11-year journey of transformation. Had he reacted differently, I might not be here today.

Today, the LGBTQ movement is at the forefront of cultural conversations. Increasingly, these issues are affecting churches.

As a pastor, what should you do when a congregant comes out as gay, transgender, nonbinary, or some other variation of LGBTQ? The answer may depend on the situation and the person’s heart attitude.

Devoted

When a devoted congregant confesses sexual struggles, it is a vulnerable moment.

Everything is on the line, including the individual’s reputation and relationships in the church.

Thank that person for trusting you, acknowledging the courage it took to come forward. Offer assurance of your continued love, support, and commitment to help him or her pursue Christ and find wholeness in Him.

Homosexual and transgender inclinations are no more inborn or immutable than any other sinful tendency. For believers, the deceitful desires of the old nature remain subject to change through the process of renewing the mind and putting on the new self (Ephesians 4:22–24).

Provide discipleship that includes instruction on renewing the mind through regular prayer and Bible reading. Encourage this individual to pursue the Holy Spirit, praying in the Spirit regularly and releasing every struggle and burden to Christ.

Organizations like ReStory Ministries provide a variety of resources for church leaders. Testimonies of others who have experienced freedom offer hope for transformation.

Connect congregants who are struggling with small groups and mentors who will provide ongoing guidance, friendship, prayer, and encouragement.

Emotional and relational wounds often contribute to the development of disordered desires. In short, we get hurt in relationships, and we can receive healing through redemptive relationships.

Simply telling people
to stop thinking or
feeling as they do is
akin to turning off
a check engine light
without investigating
what’s going on.

After establishing a foundation of intimacy with Christ and meaningful connections with other believers, help the overcomer get connected to inner healing prayer ministry to address the wounds in the soul that fuel disordered desires. As you would with any other parishioner, make referrals to Christian counseling if needed.

Same-sex attractions and gender insecurity indicate deeper spiritual and emotional issues. Simply telling people to stop thinking or feeling as they do is akin to turning off a check engine light without investigating what’s going on.

All of this takes time and patience in the context of a loving community. Your job as a leader is not to set people free, but to connect them with Jesus, Christian community, and resources, guiding them toward a lifelong trajectory of transformation.

Disagreeable

Some congregants want to stay involved in church, but are unwilling to repent or accept biblical teaching. Instead, they demand that church leaders revise theology to justify their behavior.

Engage these congregants graciously in conversation about God’s Word.

Some people point to liberal theologies that attempt to reconcile LGBTQ lifestyles with Christianity. The most common argument is that the word “homosexual” in English Bibles is a mistranslation.

In this view, 1 Corinthians 6:9 refers to pederasty — grown men sexually exploiting boys, which was common in Rome. That would suggest (erroneously) that a loving, monogamous relationship between two same-sex adults does not violate God’s commands.

A faithful reading of Scripture exposes such arguments as false. The Greek language had a word for pederasty (paiderasteia), but Paul never used it. It is unlikely, then, that 1 Corinthians 6:9 referred to that practice.

Greeks described specific homosexual relationships in terms of age and status, or by distinguishing active and passive partners in sexual intercourse. There is no generic term in classical Greek equivalent to the English word “homosexual.”

By contrast, Jews prohibited all homosexual acts per se, based on Leviticus 18:22 and 20:13. Consequently, to express the scope of the biblical prohibition in Greek, Paul coined the term arsenokoitai in 1 Corinthians 6:9 and 1 Timothy 1:10, which combined the words for “man” and “to have sex with” that the Septuagint used to translate the two verses in Leviticus.

My book TRANS-Formation offers further examples of common revisionist arguments and how to dismantle them.

For disagreeable congregants, it ultimately comes down to a lordship issue. Will they submit to Jesus and His Word, or will they insist on their own way?

It’s important to express compassion when talking with these congregants, as they likely have deep wounds of rejection and a skewed view of God.

Above all, intercede for lost souls, trusting God to work as only He can.

As the apostle Paul said, “The god of this age has blinded the minds of unbelievers, so that they cannot see the light of the gospel that displays the glory of Christ, who is the image of God” (2 Corinthians 4:4).

Ask the Holy Spirit to help you share truth in a way that resonates.

Defiant

Defiant people are those who leave the church, announcing their LGBTQ identity on the way out the door.

For these individuals, sexuality is not the biggest problem. They have set their will against Christ, usually because of unresolved pain and misconceptions about God.

Ask the Lord to do whatever it takes to help defiant people recognize their need for Jesus. As in the story of the prodigal son, there is always hope they will return to the Father’s loving embrace.

Christ’s Example

Whether a person is devoted, disagreeable, or defiant, it’s not just what you say, but how you say it.

Consider what Jesus did before sharing convicting truth with the rich young ruler: “Jesus looked at him and loved him” (Mark 10:21).

I’m so glad my college pastor demonstrated compassion without compromising God’s Word so that I could experience the transforming power of Jesus.

May each of us respond like Christ when a congregant comes out regarding his or her sexuality.

This article appears in the Fall 2024 issue of Influence magazine.