In my early days as a youth pastor, I found myself overwhelmed with the issues my students (and their parents) were facing. I expected our visitors to struggle with behavioral and sin issues, but I didn’t anticipate the issues affecting my own youth group.

I tried pulling students aside before or after our weekly services and asking general questions to see whether they would open up about what I had heard about them doing or observed them doing. I attempted to address the inappropriate behavior in my sermons.

On one occasion, a student confessed that she and some other students from the youth group had passed around a Sprite bottle with a Smirnoff-and-soda cocktail at school. That student was contrite and recognized that the behavior needed to stop, but her friends seemed to shrug it off.

So there I was, in the middle of a message titled, “Don’t Be Drunk on Wine, but Be Drunk in the Spirit,” getting distracted by soda bottles, wondering whether the contents matched the labels and hoping my students would leave any concoctions in the trash on the way out. I feared that direct, clear confrontation would push them away.

The lack of confrontation and passive attempts led to chronic issues and no change in behavior, and most importantly, no change in the students’ hearts. Because I was not able to confront in a healthy, assertive way, I ended up confronting with aggression and out of frustration. I could have avoided all of this by viewing confrontation as an opportunity to connect with my students.

Most of us have been in a situation where we knew we needed to say something to someone sometime soon, but we didn’t want to say it — or we wanted to say it but not in the way we should say it. The need for confrontation presents itself in every area of life, from the office, to the church softball team, to your circle of friends. The need is universal, but each person’s confrontation style is individual.

Maybe you’re like me and you don’t like confrontation; you might come up with great things to say but never develop the nerve to say them when you need to say them. Or perhaps you think of confrontation and picture a verbal, or even physical, fight. Healthy confrontation falls somewhere in the middle of these two extremes. I used to think the ability to confront was innate: you either have it or you don’t. I convinced myself I was just not good at confrontation. The good news is that we all have the ability to confront in a healthy way.

As a leader, you can probably think of a situation when you faced the task of confronting someone in your church or organization. Maybe you replayed the situation in your head many times after the fact and wondered what you could have said or done differently. We all have room for improvement in the way we confront, but to grow in this area, we have to see it as a skill. If it is a skill, we can practice. If we can practice, we can improve. A good first step is becoming aware of a personal confrontation style. Once we understand our situational defaults, we can learn to adapt our approaches and create opportunities to connect through confrontation.

Leading psychological theorists describe our communication patterns as passive, aggressive, assertive or a combination of these. In my experience as a counselor, I help people understand where they fall along this continuum, from passive to aggressive, with assertive being in the middle.

If you’re an aggressive confronter, you embrace the fight of the fight-or-flight mode. You almost dare someone to do something worthy of confrontation. On the other side of the continuum, if you’re a passive confronter, you typically don’t confront at all. Or, if you do confront, you don’t address the real problem or the whole problem. If you confront by indirectly addressing issues, you may be a passive-aggressive confronter. An assertive confronter directly addresses the issue while empowering the other person to take responsibility for bringing resolution.

Depending on your personality, past and position, you may have a tendency to default to a certain spot on the communication and confrontation continuum. Some people even shift along this continuum based on the person involved or the circumstances of the confrontation.

For example, you may have no challenges confronting an employee who formally reports to you, but you may struggle to take an assertive stance with your spouse. In the first relationship, the authority and expectations are more explicit; in the latter, there is more room for miscommunication and misplaced expectations. Developing awareness of your patterns can help you choose your location on the continuum for the various relationships and situations in your life.

Awareness of your confrontation style, and developing your ability to adapt it, is only part of the process. As Christian leaders, we also have scriptural guidance on healthy confrontation. Confrontation is the first part of the conflict resolution process that Jesus lays out in Matthew 18:15-20. In verse 15, He says, “If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over.”

Some manuscripts read “sins against you,” so the passage could apply to the full spectrum of relational offenses, or moral and behavioral issues. Here we are focusing on the first stage of confrontation, which the passage describes as one-on-one conversation. There are many practical ways to increase the likelihood of winning over your brother or sister through this process of confrontation. I have found the following eight principles to be useful in my own confrontations.

1. Determine the best time and place. Defining the time and place gives you and the other person time to prepare for the conversation. Confrontation is more likely to be fruitful when the other person is not on the defense — or worse, the offense. You will not always have the opportunity to schedule a future meeting, but doing so whenever possible can yield benefits. Some see confrontation as an all-or-nothing thing, viewing a delay as a missed opportunity. Try to avoid ambush attack-like confrontation. You can always wait at least five minutes, and say, “Hey, can I talk to you about something important in a few minutes?”

We all have room for improvement in the way we confront, but to grow in this area, we have to see it as a skill.

You and the other person need the time to process what needs to be said. Knowing the conversation is coming allows the recipient to be more receptive to the feedback.

American neuroscientist Joseph LeDoux’s research suggests that our brains can undergo an “emotional hijacking ” in the midst of a threat. The top layer of the brain (the cerebral cortex) helps us process, problem solve and make decisions while managing the lower, emotionally driven core of the brain (the limbic system).

Emotional hijacking involves inhibiting functionality of the upper part of the brain. If the confronter uses an aggressive style, the other person is more likely to perceive a threat and experience this emotional hijacking. The person is unable to process all of the emotional reactions and may match the aggression or even move into a passive state as a self-defense mechanism (fight-or-flight response).

Designating a private time and place to confront creates a safe environment for the recipient and eliminates additional opportunity for perceived threat. If you immediately pull the person off to the side, he or she may worry about others walking by and overhearing the conversation or wonder what others are thinking. You can also protect yourself from experiencing an emotional hijacking in the moment by giving yourself time to step away and think through the situation. Once the threat is removed, you are able to think clearly about your approach and the issues you need to address. Time and space allow both parties involved to engage the whole brain, increasing the chance for a desired outcome.

2. Differentiate between the problem and the person. Taking this approach allows you and the confronted person to approach the problem together. Most people are not willing to join the cause when you are treating them as though they are the problem. It’s important to think redemptively; making the distinction between the behavior and the identity of the person is critical. For example, you are confronting someone about lying, not confronting a liar about something.

If you are not sure what the problem is, consider waiting and praying for clarity before confronting. Some situations may involve a conversation about the observable behavioral problem before identifying the deeper or more significant problem.

3. Provide context about the process. During a confrontation, the other person may not know why you’ve asked to meet. Provide an idea of what you want to talk about as you schedule the conversation. Once you are in the conversation, let the person know what you plan to do. For example, “Like I mentioned before, I’ve noticed this problem. I want to listen to your perspective, share where I’m at, and see if we can figure out where to go from there.”

Outlining the confrontation conversation involves the other person and provides assurance that you are on the same team. It eliminates the us-versus-them dynamic. At the end of the confrontation conversation, you can communicate next steps to take action or remedy the problem.

4. Express your thoughts and feelings. Share to clarify your position, rather than offend or accuse. Describe what you are thinking or feeling about the situation. When confronting, it’s more effective to use the word “I” rather than “you.” For example, “I felt hurt when ... ” instead of, “You hurt me by ... ” Scripture encourages you to speak the “truth in love” (Ephesians 4:15). Confrontation is about sharing your thoughts and feelings and checking in to see what the other person is experiencing. The truth can be sharp, so sharing it with love while staying relaxed helps the other person remain open to your words.

5. Be calm during the conversation. The best way to help someone remain calm during a conversation is to keep calm yourself. In the last decade, neuroscientists have learned more about what they call mirror neurons. They suggest that these brain cells could help us share with, connect with and influence another person.

If you are tense during a conversation, you could influence the other person to move into a fight-or-flight stance. Proverbs 15:1 says, “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” A gentle answer isn’t synonymous with a quiet or weak one. Addressing the problem in a confident and direct tone, while remaining calm, can help prevent an angry reaction.

6. Allow feedback. Let the other person share his or her thoughts and feelings during the conversation. Some feedback will be nonverbal. Recognizing basic emotional facial expressions can help you gauge how the person is reacting to the confrontation conversation. Even if you observe what seems like a clearly negative expression, allow the person to confirm his or her response verbally. Something as simple as, “What are your thoughts?” provides an opportunity for sharing.

7. Collaborate on the desired outcome. Involve the person in the process. When you allow him or her to participate in defining the solution, you communicate that the two of you will work together to solve the problem rather than working against one another. You can offer some suggestions and ask for suggestions. Ultimately, a solution both of you define will have greater chances of success.

8. Follow up to evaluate progress. The confrontation is only a part of the conflict resolution process. By confronting this person, you are committing to taking on part of the role in the growth process. You should both decide on a reasonable time frame to touch base again to see how things have progressed and to work through possible barriers together.

You will have many opportunities to practice your confrontation skills by working with people. You can and will get better. Viewing confrontation as a means of connection will increase your effectiveness as a leader.

Leveraging these psychological insights and practicing these guidelines will help you fulfill what Jesus calls you to do — winning your brother or sister through confrontation.

This article originally appeared in the February/March 2017 issue of Influence Magazine and is used with permission. For more print content, subscribe.