Ministry or family?

Some pastors believe one must suffer for the other to flourish. Thankfully, this is not the case. You absolutely can thrive at home and in ministry.

We have joyfully served in ministry for more than 30 years, most of that time in pastoral roles. We have a great marriage and vibrant home life. Our six children, 7 to 19, are thriving as they love God and love one another.

What’s our secret? In a nutshell, prayer and intentionality. We rely daily on God’s grace and the guidance of the Holy Spirit. You can do the same.

Below are seven key lessons we have learned on this journey.

1. Embrace Uniqueness

You probably hear some of the same questions we’ve fielded: You keep your kids up until midnight on Wednesday nights? When do you clock out? How do you cope without sleeping in on Sundays? How can you stand being with all those teenagers for a week at camp?

Ministry life is different — and full. It may not always make sense to others, but that’s OK. There are challenges and frustrations. There are also amazing opportunities and adventures.

You have events to plan, trips to take, people to lead, and needs to meet. Ministry is much more than a whirlwind of activities, however. In all these things, you have the satisfaction of knowing you are making an eternal difference.

Embrace the uniqueness of God’s calling on your lives, counting your blessings rather than fixating on your sacrifices. Your kids are watching. In time, they might just catch the vision for this crazy, unique, blessed life of serving God and others.

2. Choose Positivity

Adopt a mentality that says, We get to do this!

Ministry is a privilege. Not everyone has the honor of being a spiritual leader with a platform to influence others for Christ.

You and your family have a special role to play in God’s kingdom. Do your children understand and sense that? If not, be intentional about sharing that perspective.

Speak highly of your place of ministry. Express joy and gratitude when things go well. Demonstrate your reliance on God during tough times.

Serving in the Church is a gift. Have deep conversations with your children to be sure they know this.

3. Accept Help

Let others come alongside you to help carry the load.

Friends and extended family members have been a lifeline for us at times, especially when our children were preschoolers. We had our first five kids within seven years. For a while, even the most basic tasks at home were challenging. Getting to church services and events on time amid meltdowns and messes seemed nearly impossible.

Thankfully, there were a number of people in our lives who generously offered to help — and we graciously accepted.

You can’t do this alone. Just as you have helpers in ministry, you will sometimes require help in your personal life. Whether you need to hire a babysitter, accept a friend’s offer to pitch in with cleaning, or seek marriage counseling, support is crucial.

Don’t feel guilty about working within the
ebb and flow of life
and ministry.

4. Go With the Flow

Don’t worry about equally dividing your time and energy between home and ministry. Perfect balance is seldom attainable.

Life’s rhythm often works more like a swinging pendulum. There are moments when forces seem perfectly aligned. Then the activity swings to the right or left.

Certain seasons and events demand more from you than others. As Easter Sunday approaches, you will probably spend more time preparing for the service. When there is a new baby in the house, your family will need extra attention.

Don’t feel guilty about working within the ebb and flow of life and ministry.

5. Guard Family Time

At the very least, take a day off every week, and plan family vacations.

Regularly come together as a family. We gather at least once a week to discuss a passage of Scripture, talk about everyone’s schedules, and pray over one another. These moments bring priceless unity and clarity to everything we do.

We respond to family texts and calls as much as possible during the day, while also teaching our kids appropriate boundaries. Having access to one another keeps communication lines open and hearts full.

Date nights are vital. If you have not dated your spouse in a while, plan an evening out. If you don’t enjoy talking or spending time together, it may be a sign you need to seek marriage counseling.

6. Manage Expectations

Accept that you do not have to be present at everything. It is a relief to let go of unrealistic expectations.

We know there will be events both parents can’t make. We talk these things through with our kids in positive and practical ways. They know we are doing our best.

Our family is our priority, but we should be faithful to church obligations as well. This isn’t just a ministry issue. Juggling work and family demands is necessary for doctors, teachers, and other professionals.

Just as we manage family expectations, we also need to manage expectations in ministry. Otherwise, our workload will become overwhelming.

Maintaining a reasonable schedule might mean delegating leadership to others, rearranging meetings, working at odd times, or taking time off to meet the pressing needs of the family.

7. Serve Together

Engage in ministry as a family. Pray together for the Sunday service. Gather around the table to assemble welcome bags for a conference. Take the kids shopping for church nursery toys. Plan and prepare a meal together for a sick congregant.

Ministry is more enjoyable when you do it with people you love. You may not agree on everything, but you can still work together as a team with a Kingdom mission.

Acknowledge and use each person’s gifts while pulling together for a common goal. Show your kids how rewarding serving can be. You’ll be laying a foundation that will remain with them for life.

You don’t have to choose between your family and your ministry. You can have both — and lead both in a way that honors Jesus and blesses your spouse, children, and congregation.

Do all you can in your home and ministry. Do it with all your heart. Make the most of every moment. Then trust God with the outcome.

God wants to you to flourish in every area of your life. The One who is “able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine” (Ephesians 3:20) has great things in store for your church … and your family.

This article appears in the Fall 2022 issue of Influence magazine.