If you had to choose, which would you pick: a healthy marriage or a successful ministry?

We all know the correct answer. We should choose a healthy marriage and family, right? Previous generations too often sacrificed marriage and family at the altar of ministry, leaving the next generation to pick up the pieces.

The current generation, on the other hand, places a high value on marriage and family, and rightly so. But it has the tendency to overemphasize time off, margin, and shorter workweeks in pursuit of this value. This can create a sense of entitlement and unrealistic expectations for younger ministers when it comes to the demands ministry places on their time.

There is a healthy tension between marriage and ministry that we need to wrestle with. We don’t have to choose between them. In fact, we are called to do both well…we just don’t always know how. The parable of the talents in Matthew 25:14–30 shows that we’re expected to maximize whatever God has entrusted to us. We’ve been entrusted with much in terms of our family and the call of God on our lives.

It is possible to have a healthy family and thriving ministry, but we need a proactive plan.

 
Stewardship doesn’t happen on accident, however; we need to plan proactively. In my experience, both lead pastors and staff pastors struggle to manage the marriage-ministry tension, creating unnecessary anxiety and unintended consequences both in their homes and at work. Not knowing how to manage this tension undermines our effectiveness and sabotages our success. Here are a three principles I’ve found helpful personally for managing the tension between marriage and ministry.

No Surprises
As a lead pastor I never liked surprises, and I’ve found that the people I worked for over the years didn’t like them either. A surprise happens when I tell my wife at the last minute that I have a meeting at church. Or when I inform my pastor that I’m going to miss an important church meeting because of a family event that I failed to tell him about when he or she scheduled that meeting. Surprises are bad.

The way to avoid surprises is to communicate clearly and often. When we’re caught in the middle of home and church, trying to please the people in both places, we’re likely to cause frustration for the people around us. Frustration comes from a gap between expectation and performance. The wider the gap between those two realities, the more frustration we create for those around us.

We close the gap and manage expectations through good communication with those we work with at church and those we live with at home. It is too simplistic to say that if we have to disappoint someone, we should disappoint the church. Proactive leaders however know how to communicate well at home and at work so that there are no surprises and expectations are met.

Make a Plan
To be effective at church and at home takes a great deal of preparation and intentionality, which is exactly the reason so few do it well. The ones who do distinguish themselves in their ministries while also maintaining a healthy marriage and raising kids who love Jesus. 

Let me ask, how far out do you plan your work calendar? How about your family calendar? It’s important to plan out as far as possible with both your pastor/staff and your spouse so that everyone is on the same page with your calendar. Make time regularly to review your schedule with those you work for and with, as well as those you live with.

The point is, leave as little to chance as possible. Try to foresee problems before they arise so they can be dealt with in a way everyone is comfortable with. Take advantage of meetings with your pastor/staff in order to make sure you’re both on the same page. Schedule “staff meetings” with your spouse/family to review the next three months and make sure you’re both in agreement on upcoming events. Make this fun and be creative! Go out for coffee, pull out the laptops, and make a plan for your family!

Cheat Well
Finally, make sure you’re cheating well. This idea comes from Andy Stanley’s book, Choosing to Cheat, where he talks about the fact we’re always cheating someone. When we’re at church, we’re cheating our family of time with us. When we’re at home, we’re cheating people at the church and our co-workers/staff members. 

Stanley’s point is that it’s futile to think we can make everyone happy all the time. Know what family events are deal breakers that you just can’t miss, and then make sure you’re there for them. It’s not always the amount of time you spend with your family; it’s making sure you spend the right time.

For example, I travel a lot but I have three boys who all play sports. I know that it’s important to them for me to be at their games. They want to look up in the stands and see Dad there. I may have to miss some nights at home because I’m on the road, but I schedule around their games, and they notice my attention.

Similarly, you don’t have to work eighty hours a week at the church to be effective, but you do have to work the right hours and show up for key events. For example, when I as leading a church we had board meetings once a quarter. They were in the evening, and I missed dinner and bedtime with my boys Those meetings were important for the future of our church, however, so I prioritized my time there. When you cheat well, you’ll be able to maximize the important moments at home and at work.

To steward well the responsibilities and relationships we’ve been given by God, we don’t have the luxury to choose between marriage and ministry. We must do both well. It is possible to have a healthy family and thriving ministry, but we need a proactive plan.

What’s your plan for managing the tension between your marriage and your ministry?