During the Sunday morning worship service, after the congregation has sung, my pastor invites us to greet one another. We turn and shake hands with our pew-neighbors. If we know someone well, we might offer a hug.

This practice has New Testament roots, though the biblical greeting seems more intimate than handshakes and hugs. “Greet one another with a holy kiss,” Paul writes (Romans 16:16). “Greet one another with a kiss of love,” says Peter (1 Peter 5:14).

In Acts 20:37, the Ephesians elders “all wept as they embraced (Paul) and kissed him.”

Craig Keener notes that in the Roman world kissing was a standard way of greeting family members, friends, and people of higher status, such as patrons or teachers. “Some kissing may have been on the cheek,” Keener writes. “Most kissing, however, was on the mouth.”

Can you imagine trying to implement this ancient Roman greeting in the contemporary American church?

Of course, the New Testament kiss is characterized by holiness and love, not sexual desire. But the biblical mention of it raises interesting questions about the ethics of nonsexual physical touch. Answers to these questions should inform Christian leaders about how to interact physically with other people.

Intention vs. Perception

The first question is whether a Christian leader’s intention aligns with the other person’s perception of the action.

A biblical example of the intention-perception dynamic is Paul’s healing of the lame man in Lystra (Acts 14:7–20). Paul’s intention was evangelistic (verse 7), but his audience’s perception was filtered through a pagan worldview. They therefore believed Paul and Barnabas were the gods Hermes and Zeus, respectively (verses 11–12). The Lystran misperception was religious in nature.

What about physical actions that are misperceived as having a sexual intent? The hug of an older male minister might be misperceived as such even though he intended it in a grandfatherly way, for example. If a young female youth minister holds the hands of a high school boy while praying for him, he might misperceive it as expressing romantic interest.

In my 20s, I volunteered as a counselor for Royal Family KIDS Camp (RFKC), which ministers to children in the foster care system.

I grew up in a safe home, so I didn’t mind receiving a hug or shoulder rub from my parents. I felt comfortable climbing into their laps when I was younger.

Many RFKC campers perceived those same physical interactions very differently, however. In their experience, those actions were a prelude to sexual abuse.

RFKC trained me to look at my physical interactions with campers through their eyes, not my own experience.

Perception — not intention — is reality for the people Christian leaders interact with physically.

A simple way to make sure your intention and their perception align is to explain and ask permission before touching someone else. When I pray for sick people at the altar, I quote James 5:14 and ask whether they are OK with me anointing them with oil and laying my hands on their head or shoulders.

Aligning intention and perception is especially important when it comes to personal boundaries and cultural appropriateness.

Culture

The title of a 1997 business text — Kiss, Bow, or Shake Hands — identifies three common forms of greeting around the world. The book goes deeper than those protocols, however, examining differing cultural assumptions, behavioral styles, negotiating techniques, and business practices in 60 countries.

To succeed, the book argues, businesspeople must understand these differences and adapt their behaviors accordingly.

Perception — not intention — is 
reality for the 
people Christian 
leaders interact 
with physically.

This is not a new insight, nor is it limited to business. The apostle Paul understood its application to missions nearly 2,000 years ago. In 1 Corinthians 9, Paul explained why he adapted his behavior to evangelize Jews and Gentiles. “I have become all things to all people so that by all possible means I might save some,” he wrote (verse 22).

For Christian leaders, the second question to ask is whether their physical action is perceived as culturally appropriate.

In the New Testament era, kissing was the culturally appropriate way to greet others. Were Paul and Peter alive today in America, they might talk about the “handshake of love” or “holy hug,” which are more appropriate to our time and place.

Culturally appropriate touch can turn on additional factors, however. For example, a master never kissed a slave as a greeting in ancient Rome, but a slave might greet a master with a kiss on the hand or foot. In traditional Japanese culture, a high-status person is greeted with a deeper bow than a low-status individual. And among some religious groups, men and women don’t shake hands.

As America continues to diversify, Christian leaders need to better understand cultural differences, lest their social interactions break cultural rules in ways that are offensive to others.

By the same token, however, they need to wrestle with the fact that cultural appropriateness can reflect sinful structures in that culture.

Roman masters did not greet their slaves with a kiss. But when the runaway slave Onesimus returned to his Christian master Philemon, was he greeted with a holy kiss?

Paul told Philemon to receive Onesimus “no longer as a slave, but better than a slave, as a dear brother” (Philemon 16). Paul further encouraged Philemon to “welcome (Onesimus) as you would welcome me” (verse 17). Within the household of God, the gospel turned a master-slave relationship into a brotherly one.

Therefore, cultural appropriateness is not an absolute value. Christian leaders need the wisdom to discern when cultural appropriateness should be practiced and when it should be challenged on the basis of the gospel.

Boundaries

The third question the New Testament’s “kiss” verses raise is whether a physical action respects personal boundaries.

Culture is about the collective, but boundaries are about individuals. “They define what is me and what is not me,” as Henry Cloud and John Townsend wrote in their bestselling book, Boundaries. A boundary keeps you feeling safe and secure.

For example, the first Sunday of every month is Name-Tag Sunday at my church. Greeters provide all attendees a label and encourage them to write their first name on it. That way, we can greet one another by name during the worship service.

Some people — extroverts, usually — love knowing people’s names. Indeed, they love greeting time, not to mention lobby time before and after services. They’re like puppies in a room fool of chew toys: Where to begin? Extroverts live to interact with others because that’s who they are.

Other people — introverts, usually — look forward to greeting time the way a dental patient looks forward to a root canal without anesthesia. They prefer to be left alone because that’s who they are.

Examples could be multiplied. What about people with Autism Spectrum Disorder? Some are hypersensitive to touch. One touch is too much. Others are hyposensitive. They can’t get enough touch.

Or what about people with physical disabilities for whom handshakes and hugs are painful? My right hand often experiences swelling and pain. A firm handshake at church can make me wince and sometimes yelp, so on the days when my hand hurts, I offer fist bumps instead.

Christian leaders need to know individuals in their ministries at a personal level, lest they violate boundaries and make those people feel unsafe and insecure.

In 1973, Michael Perry wrote a hymn whose first stanza includes the lines:

Safe in the hands of God who made me,
what can there be that I should fear?

As Christian leaders, we should serve in such a way that people know they are safe in our hands too.

This article appears in the Fall 2025 issue of Influence magazine.