As water reflects the face, so one’s life reflects the heart” (Proverbs 27:19).

Sharon* heard her husband’s car pull into the driveway. It was mid-evening. The screen door slammed behind him as he shuffled his way into the study where he would remain until late that night. No kiss at the door or, “How was your day?” No eating with the family and catching up on their day. Expressions of a happy home had stopped many months ago.

What is the problem? Burnout. Sharon’s husband, Steve, is a pastor, and he is burned out.

Burnout. It sounds like a tame enough word. Like someone is tired, needs a break, a rest. It is much more than that and can be much worse. It is often the gateway experience for pastors to do much more dangerous, more destructive behaviors. Pastors are trying to medicate their pain or are acting out in bitterness and resentment because of how bad they feel from doing ministry.

What is burnout? In her book on the subject, psychologist Christina Maslach defined burnout as “a syndrome of emotional exhaustion, depersonalization, and reduced personal accomplishment that can occur among individuals who do ‘people work’ of some kind.”

What does burnout look like? For the pastor, symptoms can include dreading the next phone call or meeting as people have become another problem to deal with, being too exhausted for doing much more than the absolute minimum required of the job, a lack of passion and fulfillment in ministry accomplishments, pulling back from personal relationships, being indecisive, questioning one’s calling, and seeing everything more darkly than it really is.

Often the ones who notice burnout first and the most are the spouse and family. Pastors are there but aren’t there. Anything extra requested of them can be met with frustration and irritation. Pastors experiencing burnout do not lead in doing anything, whether it is family fun or projects around the house. They do not engage with passion and energy. It wears on all the relationships in the family.

How does a pastor who started on fire burn out? The wounds a pastor experiences contribute — people leaving the church, unfair judgments from others, unrealistic expectations to be good at everything, regular conflict within the church and/or leadership, spiritual warfare, and many other hits that come with being a pastor.

A sometimes-overlooked contributor to burnout is the pastor’s personal brokenness. It is what we call the issues beneath the issues. What largely determines how one handles the pressures, expectations, and hits that come with being in ministry is the pastor’s personal emotional health.

For example, a pastor who grew up in a dysfunctional home where boundaries were too rigid, too relaxed, or ever-changing can struggle to set reasonable boundaries around ministry to protect marital and home life.

Or a pastor who grew up with parents who used shaming as a parental intervention can struggle with feeling not good enough and being fearful of letting others down, which can affect ministry decision making.

Or a pastor with a lack of familial stability can be looking for security and not want to rock the boat in any way at the church — or, on the other extreme, be so used to chaos that they create it wherever they go. The pastor’s brokenness can play more into their ministry approach than they realize.

When you recover
from burnout, you
will be a better
pastor, a better
spouse, and a
better parent.

What can you or your spouse do if burnout is a problem? If the burnout is not too severe (meaning you still experience some joy and laughter, you are able to handle challenges, and you are still engaging relationally), but you or your spouse can tell you are wearing around the edges, then there are several steps the two of you can try:

1. You can open the conversation. Ideally, you begin by telling your spouse, “I am not doing well.”

Regularly, we hear where a Christian leader has not told anyone of their struggles, keeping it a secret to protect others and not wanting to admit there is a problem until it gets bad.

Your spouse can also try opening the conversation if you don’t. For example, your spouse could say, “You have been more tired recently. Do you know what is going on?” Or the spouse could say, “You once really looked forward to preaching, but now you seem to dread it. What changed?”

2. Go deep and personal. Once the conversation is open, you can spend time looking at how your personal brokenness plays into the path to burnout, even if it is looking at how your own issues affect how you interpret the actions and words of others. The five whys is one approach. Keep asking “why” until you get to the root cause.

3. When you get to the root of the personal brokenness, develop a plan for healing this wound. Is counseling needed? Is there a resource, book, class or support group that helps with this issue? Research and find the appropriate intervention. Then get that intervention.

4. Take a sabbatical. A sabbatical can be what you and your spouse need to rest, get some perspective, and adjust how you do life, marriage and ministry.

5. Clarify your calling. Another factor contributing to burnout is taking on responsibilities that don’t fit within what you are called to do. It can be very beneficial for you and your spouse to spend time prayerfully considering your calling as a pastor and as a ministry couple.

There are responsibilities within every ministry that do not fit the passion and gifting of the pastor. But knowing your calling and working with leadership to see whether your job description can more closely line up with your calling is life-giving. Having a calling that helps you serve together builds intimacy and meaning as a couple. You just need to be careful that serving together is not the only way you connect as a couple.

If the burnout is severe — where you are emotionally numb, regularly irritable, and perhaps even frustrated and resentful about ministry; you have withdrawn from a lot of relationships; and you regularly talk or think about leaving the ministry — then you need outside help.

Again, burnout can be a serious condition. If not dealt with, it typically leads to medicating the pain and numbness. Most pastors we have worked with who had affairs, abused alcohol, or used pornography were burned out before these problems began.

We recently spoke with a pastor who is very burned out, and his marriage is hanging in the balance. He is resistant to telling leadership as he does not know whether they will be understanding, and he is fearful he might lose his position. Unfortunately, this can happen. But much more often when a pastor and spouse open up, they find the support and help needed.

Talk and pray as a couple about whom you want to tell first. Choose someone you trust, then get the help you need.

Burnout is treatable. The causes of burnout are fixable. When you recover from burnout, you will be a better pastor, a better spouse, and a better parent. There is hope. There is healing.

*Sharon and Steve are composites of several couples the authors have known.

This article appears in the Winter 2022 edition of Influence magazine.