Ow! Ow! Ow!” I (Carlos) cried as the church usher pulled my ear while returning me to my seat.

He scolded, “I’m telling your dad I caught you running around the church.”

I remember thinking bitterly that the only reason the other kids didn’t have a sore ear like me was because their dad wasn’t the pastor.

Thankfully, ear pulling is less common these days, but churches are still inflicting pain on the children of ministers.

In The Pastor’s Kid, Barnabas Piper, the son of evangelical leader John Piper, compares the experience to a pressure cooker.

“The ministry creates a pressure of expectation that is unlike any other,” he writes. Eventually, “the lid blows off and the hurt sprays everywhere.”

Over the years, we’ve talked with many pastors’ kids (PKs) who shared similar sentiments. The pain of ministry is real, and the wounds can be deep — for pastors and their families.

As parents, we want to protect our children from church wounds. And as pastors, we know how challenging that can be at times. Still, our kids can grow up happy, healthy, and whole. Here are three ways to make the PK experience a great one:

Accentuate the Positive

“We have to go to church again?”

It’s the question of PKs everywhere.

It is important to help our children develop a healthy outlook of ministry. Despite the difficult seasons we may go through, we can help kids experience the joys of ministry.

A friend who grew up in a ministry home told us, “I saw that the first person the world turns to in a time of crisis is a pastor. The place the world turns to when there is nowhere else to turn is the Church.”

Loving God means loving people. The next time you visit a parishioner, prepare a sermon, or attend a prayer meeting, invite your children to join you.

Show them that ministry is about more than just church; it is serving, caring and showing compassion. Give them a chance to see why you do what you do. Invite them to take part in a community food event, summer outreach for neighborhood kids, or school supply distribution.

Be careful what you say about the church around your children. Resist the urge to speak negatively or complain. Our kids are watching and listening, no matter their age.

I (Carlos) am thankful my parents did their best to give us a positive outlook toward ministry. As a child, I once saw my mother break down in tears after a harsh conversation with a parishioner. To this day, I remember how she responded when I asked why she was crying: “When people hurt you, continue to love and bless them.”

How we speak and react in such times will make a lasting impression on our children.

Prioritize Family

When the church takes priority, PKs may feel overlooked and unimportant.

Despite the difficult seasons we may go through, we can help kids experience the
joys of ministry.

A child’s sense of identity and security depends on the presence and involvement of loving parents. Yet many pastors find it difficult to be present for their kids while devoting 50 hours or more per week to ministry. The office of pastoral ministry is unique, and the demands are many, but we must not neglect our home life.

Schedule time with each child. Set aside a family day each week. Attend athletic and school events. Take family vacations. When kids know they are a priority, their sense of security grows.

Make the congregation aware of these priorities as well, asking them to respect the family time of church leaders. When people see your children as a priority and valuable part of your life, they will view them that way as well.

Publicly thank your spouse and children for their sacrifices. Suggest that the church include your family on Pastor Appreciation Day. Such gestures show children that the church values, honors and loves their family.

Let Them Be Kids

Encourage your children to pursue their own growing relationship with Christ. Pray for them, be present in their lives, answer their faith questions, and let them see how much you love Jesus.

To expect pastors’ kids to act like miniature versions of their parents is unrealistic. We must resist the urge to hold them to higher behavioral standards for fear of what people may think of us as leaders.

It is more beneficial to help children understand that we are not pastors or PKs first, but followers of Jesus. As such, our actions and behavior should reflect Him well. Paul said in 1 Corinthians 11:1, “Follow my example, as I follow the example of Christ.” Our kids need us to be that example for them.

In smaller churches especially, pastors’ kids often also feel pressure to join the worship band, serve as small group leaders, teach — you name it. When there is a need for help, the pastor’s family may seem like an obvious source of volunteers. But it is unfair to saddle our kids with such a heavy load. They need to receive ministry, not just give it.

We must also remember that while serving is good, it does not automatically translate into a relationship with God. A young person may seem like a model Christian — saying and doing all the right things — while secretly tiring of going through the motions, and perhaps even rejecting the faith one day.

Kids need the freedom to discover their gifts and find their own identities. People in the church often assume PKs will pursue vocational ministry. However, all children want space to be kids, explore their interests, and discover God’s plan for their lives. Rather than pressuring them to enter full-time ministry, our job is to make sure they enter heaven.

The guidance of godly parents is an enduring blessing. Proverbs 1:8–9 says, “Listen, my son, to your father’s instruction and do not forsake your mother’s teaching. They are a garland to grace your head and a chain to adorn your neck.”

Keep your children close, let them see you serving Jesus, and love them. They won’t mind sharing you so much if they feel secure about their place in your life.

We must be intentional in our actions, purposeful with our words, and aware of the young eyes that are watching. The children God has given us are blessings — and our first ministry priority. We have the responsibility and privilege of protecting their hearts and pointing them to Jesus.

Our 8-year-old recently told us, “I wish the church wouldn’t see me as a pastor’s kid, but as someone who wants to learn more about God, just like them.”

We couldn’t have summed it up any better.

This article appears in the Fall 2021 edition of Influence magazine.