I spent years in hiding, terrified of people knowing my story.

For as long as I can remember, I have loved God. I grew up regularly attending church. By the time I was 11, I had memorized more than 1,000 Bible verses.

Yet I was keeping a dark secret. On a weekly basis, I experienced emotional, physical, and sexual abuse. My primary abuser was an ordained minister at the non-denominational church I attended.

Amid colliding worlds of hope and despair, I spiritualized the situation and hid my true self from God and others. To bury the pain, I focused on outperforming everyone around me.

I have since learned that childhood abuse survivors tend to respond to trauma in one of two ways. They either exhibit extreme behaviors such as criminality or sexual promiscuity, or take the path of overachieving to appear whole.

An unhealthy pursuit of perfection was my way of whitewashing horrible realities that were not my fault. Meanwhile, I was suffocating under the pressure to keep up appearances.

Soon after marrying my husband, a pastor, and moving to Springfield, Missouri, to attend seminary, I started to unravel.

Suddenly unable to function, I quit my job and withdrew from seminary. Seeking help from a mental health professional, I received a diagnosis of complex post-traumatic stress disorder.

It took five years of intensive counseling before I became stable enough to resume work and return to school.

During 2020, we moved to Michigan to become lead pastors, leaving behind close friends just as the pandemic was beginning. The sense of safety I had developed shattered.

I felt angry at God and was finally willing to admit it.

These events awakened me to how much I was still hiding from God. I wanted Him to love me and hate my abuser. Instead, I faced the jarring reality of His call to forgive.

During this season, I learned to bring every feeling to God. This was the key to stepping out of confusion and into His healing.

Trauma is far more prevalent in our world today than many care to admit — even to themselves.

According to the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, nearly two-thirds of adults say they have had at least one adverse childhood experience. These experiences include abuse or neglect; parental separation or incarceration; and violence, substance abuse, or mental illness in the home.

Many people keep these wounds to themselves. They’d rather not share their stories with others, let alone do the hard work of healing. As I did for so long, they suffer alone.

When unresolved trauma comes to the surface, it can trigger an emotional or physical response that seems inappropriate for the present moment. This is often the first sign of a deeper issue.

Even after becoming a minister, I often felt like my past disqualified me from serving. I worried that if people knew the truth, they would assume I was too broken for God to use.

Each time memories caused the emotional turmoil to bubble over in me, I immediately felt like an imposter.

People with unresolved trauma often report feeling out of control, fundamentally flawed, or beyond hope. In other words, trauma lies to us.

Pouring out pain
in honest lament doesn’t offend God. In fact, many of the psalms do just that.

As we turn to God’s truth, however, those lies can highlight what He wants to heal in us.

When everything seems out of control, the Spirit gives us self-control. When we feel broken or worthless, God calls us His children and promises nothing can separate us from Christ’s love. And when we cannot see a way into the next week, day, or breath, God reminds us we are more than conquerors through Christ (Romans 8:37).

The road to recovery from unresolved trauma is long and should not be traveled alone.

I am cautious about providing succinct steps, giving the false impression that the healing process is linear, instant, or achievable through white-knuckling spiritual disciplines.

Nevertheless, I believe embracing pain, seeking support, practicing lament, trusting God, and sharing hope are among the necessary elements of the healing journey.

Embrace Pain

After years of denying my pain, I finally embraced it as a gift that helps me discover new dimensions of God’s grace.

Some Christians believe it is wrong to feel or express negative feelings. So, they hide their pain and put on a brave face.

Yet Scripture presents pain as part of the human experience in a fallen world. Even Jesus expressed anger, sadness and stress. Facing the Cross, the Lord felt such anguish He sweated drops of blood (Luke 22:44).

Pain reminds us we are still awaiting the completion of our redemption, but we can find hope in the knowledge that Jesus has overcome the world (John 16:33).

Seek Support

Every minister needs a relational support system.

Find someone outside your congregation with whom you can be completely vulnerable, such as a trusted pastor or presbyter.

Be honest with yourself, God, and those closest to you about what in your past is interrupting your current moment.

Seek the help of a counselor or other mental health professional.

Trauma is usually the result of someone sinning against you. Bringing others into your healing process can go a long way toward restoring trust. I believe this is part of God’s design for community.

Practice Lament

Spend time alone with God, bringing Him your raw emotions.

Pouring out pain in honest lament doesn’t offend God. In fact, many of the psalms do just that. Don’t hide from God the things He wants to heal.

It was during times of lament that God revealed my hidden wounds, incorrect theology, and wrong attitudes. As I listed my complaints, begging God to show me who He really is, I experienced waves of mercy and compassion.

If we withhold part of ourselves by bringing God only the good things, we miss out on aspects of His character He wants to reveal.

Opening our lives completely to God means offering Him both lamenting and rejoicing. The most painful moments are often where we receive fresh revelations of His goodness.

Trust God

Forgiveness is powerful and brings immense freedom, but it is a process. Trust God’s work and timing.

Author Lewis Smedes says people cannot truly forgive until they feel the entire weight of the offense.

Depending on the severity of the mistreatment, it may take considerable time to uncover the layers of unforgiveness.

Opening up to God and others enabled me to understand my pain and its source. I could then humanize those who caused it, rather than viewing them as monsters. Finally, out of love for God, I let go of what I thought those people owed me.

Share Hope

As you find healing, share God’s redemptive work in your life with safe people.

Practice telling your story. Let your support team know how God has used them to bring positive change.

God wants us to encourage one another by testifying of what He has done.

The beautiful thing about facing trauma and healing from it is that when you come out of hiding and start telling others you are a living, breathing miracle, it becomes a powerful announcement of God’s good news.

You will be able to say confidently that nothing can separate us from the love of God in Christ (Romans 8:38–39).

In a world of trauma, God’s redemptive work within individual lives testifies of His grace and power.

Your story might help change a lost and hurting person’s life for eternity.

This article appears in the Spring 2025 issue of Influence magazine.