Self-leadership is for everyone. From an early age, we begin to develop simple self-leadership skills. Even a potty-training toddler has to learn to self-identify moments of need and the corresponding correct actions.

As we grow, self-leadership becomes increasingly challenging. From time management to task management, from preparing a budget to following a budget, and from making goals to keeping goals, learning to lead oneself is a lifelong task. We have all conquered potty training, but few of us have fully mastered self-leadership.

The further you rise in leadership, the more responsibilities you add, and the more important self-leadership becomes. Leading a church is not easy — especially in the current climate of anger and division. But as tough as it is to lead others, the most difficult person you will ever lead is yourself.

Even seasoned leaders struggle at times to stay focused, get to the next leadership level, develop healthy relationships, and keep their emotions in check. These are all self-leadership issues.

Whether you are a staff member, a missionary, a lead pastor, or a district official, you must first lead yourself. Some call it an art. I just call it hard!

I am still learning to self-lead. I’m not an expert, but I have discovered nine helpful principles.

1. Make key attitude decisions in advance. Consider scenarios you may encounter, and predetermine your response. For example, how will you respond when someone complains about your sermon? The next time you feel like raising your voice in anger at a staff member, what will you do instead? How will you react if the board meeting vote doesn’t go your way?

Thinking through such situations in advance can help you make better decisions in the heat of the moment. Under pressure, you will revert to your default nature. To avoid that, make the right decisions ahead of time.

I don’t like conflict. My natural reaction when I encounter conflict is to withdraw. But that is not always a healthy way to lead. So I have decided not to run from tension.

A few months ago, I felt betrayed by a close friend and team member. My first instinct was to withdraw and withhold my time and attention from the offender. But because I had predetermined my reaction, I met with this person at the earliest opportunity. That way, I couldn’t change my mind and withdraw.

Similarly, I have predetermined what I will argue about in my marriage. When something trivial happens, I don’t fuss and complain. Why? I have already made the decision to let it go.

One of the key self-leadership passages in Scripture is Philippians 2:5–8:

Have the same mindset as Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage; rather, he made himself nothing by taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to death — even death on a cross!

Jesus made His attitude decision in advance of the Cross. He was able to remain silent as He was insulted and beaten because He had already decided what His attitude would be — that of a humble, obedient servant.

2. Manage decisions you have already made. After making decisions in advance, you have to actively manage those decisions.

For example, suppose you decide to get in shape by exercising five days a week. Managing that decision means sticking to the commitment even when you would rather do something else. Or if you decide to remain positive in all situations rather than defaulting to criticism, you may need to practice keeping your opinion to yourself until you have something positive to say.

Most people can make good decisions. The difference between ineffective and effective self-leaders is in the day-to-day management of those decisions.

Poor self-leaders ignore their principle-based boundaries and instead go with whatever feels right in the moment. This can lead to unhealthy relationships, poor financial decisions, and ministry missteps.

As Christians, our decision-making process is not only an act of the will, it is also a spiritual exercise. The apostle Paul wrote about taking “captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ” (2 Corinthians 10:5).

Your thoughts may not always be right. But with the help of the Holy Spirit, you can take those thoughts captive and do the right thing, regardless of your emotions.

3. Live selflessly. Philippians 2:3–4 says, “In humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.”

Often, a lack of self-leadership flows from selfishness. I know the right thing to do, but I want to do something different. I know I shouldn’t lose my temper, but I am angry about what someone else did. I know I shouldn’t be critical, but I don’t agree with what others are doing. I know my reaction is wrong, but the situation just doesn’t seem fair.

Poor self-leadership focuses on “I” and “my.” Leading myself well requires prioritizing the thoughts, feelings and needs of others. An others first, me last mentality must prevail.

Self-leadership is about more than just living by your priorities. It’s about living out the priorities Jesus has established for your life. It doesn’t matter what you want; what matters is what He wants. What is the right thing to do, according to Scripture? How can you put God and others first and follow the selfless example of Jesus?

4. Seek self-awareness. I have a friend who is a high-level leader in his organization. He is competent and smart, but he has a reputation for using people instead of valuing them. Sadly, my friend does not realize how his leadership style hurts those he leads.

To lead yourself, you must develop recognition of what you are doing and how others are receiving it. Here are some key questions to consider:

If you can’t lead yourself effectively, why would others
want to follow you?

• What habits or tendencies do I fight?
• How do people perceive me?
• Am I currently growing?
• Do the people around me challenge me to grow?
• When I make a mistake, what most often causes it?
• Who is currently speaking into my life?
• With what kind of people do I most often struggle?
• Am I moving up the leadership ladder? Why or why not?

It is dangerous for a leader to be unaware of his or her own weaknesses. The effective self-leader looks for areas that need improving and invites others to point out flaws.

What you can’t see, you won’t change. What you don’t change will become a habit. Your habits will become your lifestyle. Leaders who fail to recognize personal deficiencies will ultimately develop unhealthy habits.

5. Stop when you are headed in the wrong direction. When my son Parker was young, he had a tendency to make bad situations worse. I helped him learn to recognize when the situation was headed in the wrong direction. That way, if Parker couldn’t turn it around, he could at least stop the negative momentum.

Like Parker, many people go from bad to worse. Instead of stopping, they stack bad decisions on top of bad decisions. The effective self-leader recognizes early when he or she is headed in the wrong direction and stops the behavior.

6. Develop and maintain healthy habits. Decisions lead to actions. Repeated actions become habits. An effective self-leader develops healthy habits and maintains them.

I don’t always want to work out. Some mornings, I am tired or lazy. But I have established the habit, based on a decision, flowing out of a priority. Every time I follow through, I am ingraining the habit in my mind and schedule.

You have habits. Everyone does. Why not form good ones? The great thing about habits is that you get to choose them.

Paul instructed the Thessalonians to develop healthy habits:

Now we ask you, brothers and sisters, to acknowledge those who work hard among you, who care for you in the Lord and who admonish you. Hold them in the highest regard in love because of their work. Live in peace with each other. And we urge you, brothers and sisters, warn those who are idle and disruptive, encourage the disheartened, help the weak, be patient with everyone. Make sure that nobody pays back wrong for wrong, but always strive to do what is good for each other and for everyone else. Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus (1 Thessalonians 5:12–18).

This list includes a lot of good habits. Love, respect and honor leaders. Resolve conflict. Warn people who are making wrong choices. Offer encouragement. Help the needy. Practice patience and kindness. Choose joy. Pray. Express gratitude. Such habits are just as relevant for God’s people today as they were in Paul’s day.

7. Do the right thing, regardless of the context. I don’t just do right when I am with our district superintendent. I appreciate and follow his leadership. But I also lead myself in doing right when he’s not around. I strive to be the same person in church and at home, in public and in private.

A simple way to spot someone who is struggling with self-leadership is observing incongruent behavior in different contexts. A pastor who preaches against drinking but sips a margarita on vacation is a poor self-leader. A staff member who is respectful to authorities but mistreats those under his or her supervision is a poor self-leader. A teacher who encourages tithing but fails to practice it personally is a poor self-leader. A deacon whose words are pure in church but profane on the golf course is a poor self-leader.

If you can’t lead yourself effectively, why would others want to follow you? Good self-leaders act with the same integrity in every context. Their character and behavior are not situation based; they are decision based. That kind of leadership builds trust, respect and commitment in followers.

Paul said to the church in Corinth: “Follow my example, as I follow the example of Christ” (1 Corinthians 11:1). If people follow your example, are they following the example of Jesus?

8. Do what is right even when it is difficult, expensive or inconvenient. Anyone can do right when there is a reward. Anyone can do right when someone is watching. Anyone can do right when there is a mandate.

Effective self-leaders do right even when there is no immediate reward, when no one will know, when there is no requirement, and when it is expensive, inconvenient, uncomfortable or arduous. They make the decision in advance, based on a principle.

9. Depend on God. Leading yourself is a difficult task. In fact, without the help of the Holy Spirit, it is an impossible task! Effective self-leaders acknowledge their weaknesses and tendency to fail. Rather than becoming spiritually proud, they stay humble, relying daily on the leading of the Holy Spirit and divine wisdom.

Proverbs 2:6–11 describes the benefits of depending on God:

For the LORD gives wisdom; from his mouth come knowledge and understanding. He holds success in store for the upright, he is a shield to those whose walk is blameless, for he guards the course of the just and protects the way of his faithful ones. Then you will understand what is right and just and fair — every good path. For wisdom will enter your heart, and knowledge will be pleasant to your soul. Discretion will protect you, and understanding will guard you.

The self-leadership journey is strenuous. Just when I think I have arrived, a new challenge pops up.

During this pandemic, I have had to practice self-restraint more than ever. I have a lot of opinions. A few of them might even be right. But I also know that sharing my opinions could create unnecessary hardship for my church and distractions for me as the leader.

I want to stridently declare what others should do. I want to argue about why my opinion is right. I want to challenge some who still haven’t returned to church. I want to vent my anger and emotions on social media. But I know none of that will advance the Kingdom or build God’s church.

In this season, effective self-leadership for me has often consisted of closing the screen of my laptop, closing my mouth, and choosing to love those with whom I disagree.

No one said self-leadership was easy! Self-leadership is a journey, a lifetime task. The effective self-leader is better equipped to lead others and to lead a healthy, life-giving organization.

This article appears in the Fall 2021 edition of Influence magazine.