One of the greatest challenges most people will ever face is learning to love themselves. I’m not talking about an egocentric love. Nor am I suggesting narcissism. Another way to say it is this: You need to get comfortable in your own skin.

People take on the traits of the people they admire. Your parents probably told you growing up that you become who you spend the most time with. In part, this is true. I would take it one step further: You become who you spend the most time observing. As little children, we watch and imitate our parents. It’s part of how we learn to become who we are. If the process works as it should, you become more of yourself as you grow up.

Unfortunately, that doesn’t always happen. Many adults haven’t had the courage to let go of trying to copy others long enough to discover who they are really are, what they think, or what decisions they want to make in life.

Taking Ownership

Getting to know ourselves is part of maturing, both spiritually and emotionally. Children growing up in church or adult believers who are new to church often mirror what they see, hear and experience as they spend time around people of faith. There is absolutely nothing wrong with this process. But at some point, they must internalize that mirroring. This is what I call ownership. It’s the process of turning what you observe and mirror into what you believe and how you view the world. Faith never really becomes yours until this process is complete.

The same is true about how you view yourself. Early on, there are many voices speaking into your life: your parents, grandparents, teachers, siblings, etc. It’s not uncommon to become the person others encourage you to be. But, at some point, a transformation must take place in you.

You must stop being the version of you someone else has defined and start being yourself — the person God designed you to be, following the plan to which He is calling you. Until this happens, you’ll never become completely comfortable in your own skin and reach your full potential.

If you never learn to love yourself and be your own person, you’ll have a hard time loving anyone else or letting them love you.

Taking ownership means you respect the opinions of others while also believing you can have an opinion of your own. You gather input from others but make your own decisions. You admire successful people but don’t try to become them. You listen to advice and wisdom but feel the freedom to prayerfully come to your own conclusions.

You must come to a place in your life where you can see yourself as an individual who has the capacity and will to live life on your own terms. That doesn’t mean you don’t respect others or honor the position and leadership of others. It simply means you have the courage and resolve to live from a place of conviction rather than confusion.

Of course, if you never learn to love yourself and be your own person, you’ll have a hard time loving anyone else or letting them love you. This will impact relationships with your spouse, children, co-workers and church family. It will make it difficult to lead. After all, who wants to follow a leader who doesn’t know where they’re going or why?

When you meet people who can accept themselves, you’ll know it. There will be a quiet and steady confidence about them that will inspire you to step out in confidence.

Are you that kind of person? If you’re not sure, seek out a trusted mentor to give you honest feedback about whether he or she perceives you as someone who lives in the expectations of others. Write down what others tell you they admire about you; what you believe are your strengths and weaknesses; and what you want to accomplish in life and why. Consider whether the decisions you are making and the life you are living are in alignment with the things you’ve written above and, more importantly, with God’s plans for you.

It’s sad to see people spending their lives chasing the expectations of others. It’s an unfulfilling endeavor that almost always leads to disappointment. The only way to rise above the noise of the crowd and live into your full potential is to discover your God-given blueprint and become your own person. This doesn’t happen overnight, but it must happen.

Spiritual DNA

My desire for everyone I mentor and come in contact with is to help them have the courage to believe in themselves and trust that God’s promises apply to them. With that comes a spiritual DNA of sorts that makes us who we are and should drive our decisions and commitments.

Psalm 139 declares that you are “fearfully and wonderfully made” and that all your days were ordained “before one of them came to be” (verses 14,16). Jeremiah 29:11 says, “I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

You can’t fully appreciate the genius that God has placed in you or the plans He has mapped out for you until you believe you are worth it. And His Word assures you that you are. “Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered” (Luke 12:7).