If you asked my two daughters, now in their 30s, to name the best thing I did for them as a dad, they would say, “Having daddy-daughter dates.”

To this day, when they know I will be speaking to pastors about family life, my daughters remind me, “Don’t forget to talk about our dates.”

It all started when two men in the church I was pastoring took me to breakfast one morning. One was a pharmacist with five grown sons. When each boy reached middle school, he personally discipled them in a small group of that son’s choosing.

The other fellow was a banker who was younger than me but had five children — four school-aged girls and a preschool son.

Both men were passionate about family life. They assured me I was doing a fine job as a pastor, but said they also wanted me to become, in their words, “a great husband and a great father.”

So, we started a journey together. I’ll never forget the pharmacist saying to me during one of our regular meetings, “If your girls mess up in the future, it will be because their needs have become greater than their values. So you better be sure your daughters are having those needs met now, while you have the chance.”

These men impressed upon me the value of spending weekly time, one-on-one, with each of my daughters. Thus, I blocked out the time on my calendar, referring to these special appointments as “daddy-daughter dates.”

If my kids were boys, I probably would have chosen a different term, such as “father-son time.” The important thing is carving out space to give children the attention, safety, and time they need.

Attention

Quality time alone with kids nourishes their hearts emotionally and communicates they are important to us.

I was particularly aware that as a dad, I was the most significant male role model in the lives of my daughters. Our special dates allowed me to give each girl undivided attention and increase my opportunities to make a positive imprint on them.

Children notice how the significant people in their lives seem to view them. These reference points play a role in shaping their identities and self-esteem.

Our identity should ultimately come from a God who loves us relentlessly. But a child’s early perception that he or she is unworthy of a parent’s approval or attention, or the church is more important, can cause real and lasting harm.

Safety

Time alone with our children creates a forum for communication and a safe space for honesty. We can’t always protect kids from difficult challenges or even hurts, but they do need places of emotional safety.

My greatest desire in spending weekly time one-on-one with my girls was to stay in touch with their hearts. For that reason, I listened much more than I talked.

I wanted my girls to feel safe expressing their feelings and struggles without me pressuring them to
talk or judging them
for how they felt
when they did share.

When my daughters were young, I wasn’t always sure our times together amounted to much of value. But the cumulative effects of listening to them and giving them a safe space week after week, year after year, created a closeness I still treasure.

It was sometimes tempting during these discussions to confront my daughters about issues needing discipline or correction, but I didn’t want them to dread our times together. So I tried to save such conversations for other settings.

Further, I tried to be careful not to shift into pastor mode, always quoting a Bible verse for whatever my girls were facing. Instead of preaching at or telling them to behave because of my ministry position, I simply encouraged them to grow in their love for Jesus.

I wanted my girls to feel safe expressing their feelings and struggles without me pressuring them to talk or judging them for how they felt when they did share.

Time

There are many things pulling at the hearts of our children. That’s why it is so important that parents stay in touch.

Kids want and need time with their moms and dads more than most parents realize. In an era when many families struggle even to eat a meal in the same room, prioritizing time together is always worth the effort.

Respect, emotional safety, and fun all became part of the one-on-one times I shared with my daughters over the years.

Our dates started simply and changed as my girls grew, but they all involved sugar in some form. We went from sodas and fries to donuts or cinnamon rolls, eventually graduating to more expensive coffees and fancier desserts.

The dates also became longer. When the girls were in elementary school, our times together lasted 30–45 minutes. Later on, we lingered over our pastries longer and the conversations grew deeper. The discussions went from me asking what they did at school that day to them opening up about relationships, life challenges, and personal hopes.

When my banker friend said he was spending individual time weekly with each of his four daughters, my first response was, “I don’t have that many evenings in a week!”

However, my friend assured me such dates don’t have to last hours. He said creative planning was key. The weekly routine with one of his daughters involved leaving early for school and stopping somewhere on the way for a quick breakfast together.

When my girls were in school, our day together was usually Friday. I would pick up one daughter at school, take her out for a while, drop her off at home with her mother, and then take out the other daughter — all before dinner. My wife just looked the other way when she heard about how much sugar we had already consumed by the time we got to the dinner table.

As my daughters grew older, I made a special effort to treat them as I would want any other man to do someday. Although there was no pressure on them to dress up, I opened car doors for my girls, paid for their food, and treated them with respect and honor.

I hoped that when my daughters were grown, if some other guy did not treat them as respectfully as their dad did, they would notice it immediately and run from that relationship.

Of course, nothing replaces praying regularly for our children. Just like the churches we may pastor, prayer always carries the day when we pair it with healthy relationships and open hearts.

I never wanted my girls to grow up angry that their dad was a pastor, or feeling like victims to the mission of Christ. The times alone with each of them became an important part of helping my daughters mature into healthy adults who love and serve the Lord.

This article appears in the Summer 2024 issue of Influence magazine.