In 2017, I was diagnosed with complex post-traumatic stress disorder. It wasn’t a single event that triggered symptoms, but the ongoing trauma of my daily existence.

As a lead pastor, wife, and mother, I tried to hold it together, but the strain became too great. Retreating to a quiet place at home after a stressful day of ministry was not an option.

Each of our five adopted children experienced extreme early childhood trauma before entering foster care and becoming part of our family.

As the children grew, their emotional wounds spilled over into every aspect of our family life, creating secondary traumas. They lashed out verbally and physically, battled depression and anxiety, and sometimes expressed suicidal ideations.

Calls to 911, emergency room visits, and psychiatric hospitalizations became as routine for us as soccer practice and piano recitals are for more typical families.

Our young daughter, Asja, feared parental figures and often attacked me physically. Yet in the evening, when nightmares threatened to overtake her, Asja needed my reassuring embrace to fall asleep.

So, I covered my arms to hide the bites and bruises my daughter had inflicted on me. And every night, I cuddled Asja, rocking her to sleep. This continued for four years, from age 7 to 11.

Coupled with my own genetic predisposition for anxiety and depression, the tension pushed me to a breaking point.

My family is not alone in struggling with mental health. Such issues are a fact of life for many American households, affecting millions of adults and children annually.

Unfortunately, people are often afraid to talk about mental illness openly — especially in church.

Pastors in particular feel intense pressure to model a perfect life and family. Admitting we live with mental health problems takes courage.

Over the years, my family has worked hard and made progress. We’ve sought professional help from doctors and therapists. And we have learned to seek the support, prayers, and encouragement of our church family.

Still, these challenges aren’t like a head cold that runs its course after a few days. Although some people do experience mental health issues that are situational and temporary, my children and I are dealing with systemic, chronic conditions.

My kids still have bad days, times when those early memories of abuse and neglect haunt them. But they are moving forward, changing generational patterns, and writing inspiring new chapters in their life stories.

As for me, I still take five pills every morning, one in the afternoon, and another five each night.

Acknowledging mental illness as a chronic condition — rather than something a person can just get over — is one of the first steps toward better health. I may never find complete healing this side of eternity, but Christ’s grace is sufficient for me (2 Corinthians 12:9).

I have wondered at times whether my personal challenges disqualified me from ministry. However, I now realize these experiences uniquely equip me for talking about mental health, empathizing with congregants, and showcasing God’s faithfulness.

My story has also encouraged fellow ministers to open up about their personal and family challenges. When pastors come to me for advice, there are three things I tell them.

Slow Down

Like many pastors, I spent years pursuing ministry goals and serving others at the expense of my health. Whatever the task, giving less than 100% was unacceptable.

Like many pastors, I spent years pursuing ministry goals and serving others at the expense of my health.

Thinking such a mindset was high-achieving, I discovered instead it was self-defeating. Over time, I became physically, emotionally, and spiritually depleted.

I have learned that it’s OK to lower the bar and slow down. And when I am in a particularly low season, I drop the bar entirely, taking the time I need to regain my strength.

Rather than cooking dinner from scratch every night, I keep ready-made meal options on hand. Things I would normally handle myself, I delegate to team members when I need a break.

My friends understand that if I don’t answer their text messages, emails, or phone calls right away, it’s because I’ve dropped the bar and am just holding onto Jesus — the only One who is perfect.

Find Support

I have a small group of friends with whom I share all the messy details of my life. They are people of faith and prayer who have always listened without judging me or my family members.

This is a carefully curated circle. I am open about our journey, but I don’t share everything with just anyone.

It’s also reciprocal. I am not just taking from these friends; I offer them support in return.

This group provides a safe place for opening up about doubts, anger, and fears. My friends help me laugh, remind me to rest, and extend grace and compassion.

Trust God’s Process

When my anxieties turn into intrusive thoughts, I think of the biblical metaphor of the potter’s house.

Jeremiah 18:4 says, “The pot he was shaping from the clay was marred in his hands; so the potter formed it into another pot, shaping it as seemed best to him.”

I return to that verse often. It reminds me that God is still at work. My family is in the Potter’s skillful hands.

When there are struggles, it is not because I haven’t prayed, read the Bible, or believed enough. God can heal instantly, or He can work through therapy and medication.

Either way, I choose to view God’s process as a blessing, trusting Him to reveal His handiwork in time.

If you or a loved one is dealing with mental health issues, seek professional help from a physician or therapist. And trust God to work in the situation as only He can.

Each of these things is easier said than done, and certainly more complex than the simple headings imply. But as I work them into my daily routine and give every concern to God, I find peace and joy returning to my life and home.

Philippians 4:6–7 says, “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

Even when life is difficult, Romans 8:28 assures me, “In all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.”

All the things we experience — the bad days, tears, and triumphs — come together in God’s hands for His kingdom purpose.

I’m a fourth-generation pastor and fourth-generation anxiety sufferer. And I am raising the fifth generation.

Asja is now 16 and, like her siblings, wants to share her story for God’s glory. Recently, Asja told my husband and me that she is called to pastoral ministry.

God knows what He is doing when holding us and our families in His hands. He is working through brokenness to create something beautiful.

This article appears in the Fall 2024 issue of Influence magazine.