Who Are the Abused?

They are sitting in your church: a couple and their children, 2-year-old Sarah and 5-year-old Nathan. You have been concerned about them, sensing something is just not right. When you greet them at the end of the service, you pause a little longer, and there’s sincerity in your question, “Is everything alright?”

You barely catch the stern glance the husband gives his wife as he responds, “Never better. Nathan is bringing home all smiley faces from kindergarten.”

The moment passes, and you sigh, wondering whether there is something else you could do.

October is national Domestic Violence Awareness Month. According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, 1 in 4 women and 1 in 7 men in the U.S. have been victims of severe physical violence by an intimate partner in their lifetime.

How Can You Help Them?

Is your church a safe place for victims of domestic abuse? Most pastors say “yes,” according to a 2017 Lifeway Research report. But victim reports do not always support that. Many people who grew up in church say there’s a huge stigma associated with revealing marital problems, such as verbal, psychological or physical abuse.

Pastors often recommend marriage counseling for couples struggling with abuse issues. That concerns professionals who work with victims because most do not feel safe speaking honestly in front of their spouse for fear of retribution later. Well-meaning pastoral counselors may even assign homework that empowers the abuser or seems to offer a fresh start in the spirit of forgiveness.

Victims may leave counseling more discouraged after hearing they must work harder to save the marriage. When the abuse cycle returns, there’s further condemnation and a sense that it’s the victim’s fault for not doing enough or being good enough. This is especially prevalent in churches that tout female submission as the cure-all for marital problems.

So, how can we make our churches safe places? It begins with individual counseling and support. Pastors, if you suspect something is not right, safety for the victim must be your priority. Trust your instincts, and seek the guidance of the Holy Spirit.

Yours may be the only voice to break the silence. You may offer the only opportunity to speak up. When that happens, be ready. Research and compile an approved list of resources that are available in your local community.

Part of safety is confidentiality. Don’t post personal information about abuse situations on the church prayer request Facebook page. Handle anonymous details in a sensitive manner as well.

The risk of divorce often casts a shadow in churches, which can make victims feel secondary to the cause of keeping marriages intact. Anonymous prayer requests cloaked in saving-the-marriage language devalue abuse victims and send the wrong message to individuals who may be suffering in silence.

Yours may be the only voice to break the silence.

Remember that safety includes the children. Abuse hurts children living in the environment, even when they are not the primary victims. Committing an act of violence that a child witnesses is now considered a form of child abuse. In addition, children in abusive homes often suffer physical, sexual or psychological abuse themselves, even if they haven’t disclosed it.

Neglect, the most common form of child abuse in our nation, is also a danger. An abused woman may become so overwhelmed with survival that she overlooks the basic needs of her children.

Find out how your church can provide support and help, before the children feel hopeless and try to escape. As a previous article mentioned, 90 percent of children lured into Commercial Sexual Exploitation (sex trafficking) are trying to escape some form of abuse in their home.

When parents separate, many children are torn between court-ordered weekend custody rulings. Does your church support the every-other-week child? Think of the 4-year-old who initially ran eagerly to the playroom at the new church his mom started attending after leaving her husband.

But after a while, the child resisted and became sullen and difficult to manage in class. When someone asked why he didn’t want to go to class, his answer was revealing: “I can never win.”

One look at the progress chart on the wall confirmed his statement. His attendance every other week meant he had few stickers.

Even small changes can make a big difference in helping children and single parents feel welcome and supported.

What about Prevention?

Be proactive! Intentionally build an environment that creates safety for victims to come forward. This means addressing domestic violence in Sunday morning sermons, not just at women’s events.

Youth pastors can provide information to help students learn about the dangers of dating violence. It is a growing issue, and prevention starts early. Research shows that people who experience intimate partner violence most frequently have their first such encounter between the ages of 18 and 24.

Classes for young marrieds are another important venue, although not automatically preventive. Seasoned leaders with a clear understanding of signs of early domestic abuse can participate in the classes and report back to the pastor if they see signs of someone using Scripture to control a spouse. This might include heavy teaching on the man as head of the house and the wife’s duty to respect him.

An abuser might even twist the meaning of Scriptures to justify physical or sexual abuse — for instance, using Hebrews 13:4 (“Marriage is honourable in all, and the bed undefiled,” KJV) out of context to support a claim that it’s acceptable to do anything to a marriage partner.

For additional information and resources on preventing or addressing abuse, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233. I also recommend two books for further study:

• No Place for Abuse: Biblical and Practical Resources to Counteract Domestic Violence, by Catherine Clark Kroeger and Nancy Nason-Clark.
• Strengthening Families and Ending Abuse: Churches and Their Leaders Look to the Future, by Nancy Nason-Clark, Barbara Fischer-Townsend, and Victoria Fahlberg.