In 1999, I joined the staff of First NLR (Assemblies of God) in North Little Rock, Arkansas. My 24 years of ministry at the church have been rewarding, but there was a time when I considered quitting.

A few years after coming on board, I started feeling disconnected from our church’s lead pastor, Rod Loy. I wasn’t even sure why I felt this way, but I unfairly blamed my restlessness on him.

The idea that my attitude was somehow his fault festered in my mind because I didn’t walk into his office and say, “Hey, we need to talk.”

Around the same time, I received a phone call from a friend on staff at my former church. He said their children’s pastor had just resigned, and they were looking for someone to fill that role.

My first thought was, Maybe this is God’s answer to my growing sense of unease.

I set up a meeting with my pastor, who was surprised to learn I was feeling disconnected. He told me how much he appreciated me, but he didn’t stop there. He asked, “Brian, why do you think you’re feeling that way?”

After I thought about it for a minute, reality hit me like a ton of bricks. It wasn’t him. It was me. By failing to treat communication as a two-way street, I had made our relationship solely his problem. Instead of working to develop better rapport, I expected him to fix my feelings.

Through that difficult conversation, I learned an important lesson. Building and maintaining healthy work relationships is not just the lead pastor’s responsibility. It’s mine, too.

Since that time, I have become more intentional about investing in this important relationship. For our church to function well, its leadership team needs to function well. Therefore, I now consider my working relationships a ministry priority.

Of course, no two lead pastors are the same. Leaders have different life experiences, gifts, personalities, and ministry visions. But when it comes to serving on a church staff and working with a lead pastor, there are some general principles to keep in mind.

Following are 10 ways to develop a better relationship with your lead pastor.

1. Pray

Make it a point to pray daily for your lead pastor and his or her family.

I regularly ask the Lord to give our lead pastor wisdom, spiritual vitality, and health as he guides our congregation, serves our community, and cares for his family.

Praying for your lead pastor will increase your appreciation of him or her and inevitably ease frustrations during difficult seasons.

2. Take Ownership

It’s important not only to understand the vision, but also to own it. Be sure the ministries you lead are in step with your pastor’s heart.

Take the initiative to learn how God is leading your pastor, and align everything you do with this vision. When your lead pastor’s vision becomes your own, you can serve effectively together as partners in ministry.

Building and maintaining healthy work relationships is not just the lead pastor’s responsibility. It’s mine, too.

When my pastor stepped into his current position, God led him to prioritize soul winning across all demographics — both in our community and around the world. In almost every sermon, he communicated that passion.

Even now, Pastor Rod frequently says, “A soul is a soul is a soul is a soul.”

Another oft-repeated phrase is, “Every soul matters to God.”

I was the kids’ pastor when I first became aware of our pastor’s vision, so I made a point of teaching that perspective to our volunteers and children. It was a core value of our church, so it became a core value in our kids’ ministry. And our children definitely caught it.

To this day, when we talk about God’s purpose for their lives and our church, it’s not uncommon to hear a child say, “Don’t you know? Every soul matters to God!”

I do know, and I’m glad they know, too.

3. Follow the Leader

Honor your pastor’s preferences, even if they’re not your own. Early in my tenure, I had a goatee. My pastor sometimes teased me about it, but I assumed it was just his sense of humor.

Then I heard him speaking at a conference for pastors, explaining that he refuses to impose his preferences on staff members.

He said, “I would prefer our pastors be clean shaven, but several have moustaches and goatees. I’m not going to force them to shave.”

My pastor was unaware I was in the room that day, so I knew he wasn’t directing these comments at me. But I got the message. His kidding had been a subtle message that he would like me to shave my goatee, but I’d missed it.

When we got home from the conference, I made plans to shave. However, I wanted my facial hair to go out with a bang.

As part of a missions fundraiser, I pledged to shave my goatee when the congregation contributed a certain amount. They exceeded the giving goal. Of course, my real reason for shaving wasn’t to raise money. That was just an added benefit. I wanted to honor the preference of my pastor.

On another occasion, I asked my pastor how he wanted me to dress for an event. He said, “I’ll be in a coat and tie, but you can dress how you’d like.”

He meant it. My pastor wasn’t demanding I conform to his expectations, but it was obvious he believed the event was important. So, I wore a coat and tie.

Because our relationship is based on trust and respect, I’m happy to yield to my pastor’s preferences. I don’t consider it a pain or strain to follow his lead. It’s just another way to honor the person God has called me to minister alongside.

4. Offer Accountability

There’s a difference between offering accountability and forcing your pastor to require it.

Lead pastors don’t enjoy tracking down staff members to check on them or confront them when there’s a problem.

In my relationship with my lead pastor, I am determined to volunteer accountability instead of waiting for him to demand it from me.

When I first came on staff, my pastor asked me to email him anytime there was a problem needing his attention. However, pride kept me from admitting I had problems, so I never reached out to him about needs or difficulties.

One day, my pastor found out about an incident in my ministry area I had failed to mention. He was perplexed to hear about it from someone other than me. When he called me into his office, my pastor had to be an investigator, trying to find out what happened, instead of a partner, helping to resolve it. I realized my silence had forced him into this unpleasant role.

Don’t turn your pastor into a detective. Take the initiative to talk about problems before they become bigger issues. If you’re going to be late, call. When something goes wrong, say so. If a problem arises that could affect other ministries, provide a heads-up.

5. Stay Correctable

Insecurity can cause staff members to react defensively during times of correction. Beneath the hurt feelings and protests are often fears of inadequacy — personally, professionally or both.

No one is above correction, however, and we can all learn to handle it with grace.

Sometimes when my pastor points out an area that needs improvement, I do a good job of controlling my outward appearance even though I’m bristling inside. At the same time, I know this response is a sign I need to work on my attitude.

When I struggle with receiving correction, I need to examine myself and consider whether I am relying on God’s strength or my own. When my trust is in the right place, I can thank the Lord for His love and grace, accepting correction as a gift from Him rather than a threat to me.

Correcting your actions or methods is not the same as questioning your character. Instead of becoming defensive, take a deep breath, view correction as an opportunity to grow, and learn from the challenge.

6. Present a United Front

It’s OK to disagree with your lead pastor in private, but not in public.

In any working relationship, people will have different opinions and plans. But the person in charge is ultimately responsible for making the call.

When you start thinking you’re wiser than the person God called to lead the congregation, check your pride. And be thankful you don’t carry the burden of being the one in charge.

Not long ago, I talked with our pastor about a problem in one of the ministries I lead. I thought we needed to do one thing, but he saw it differently. He patiently listened to my opinion, but it was his decision, and he chose to go a different direction.

When I walked out the door and into a meeting with that ministry team, I didn’t say, “Here’s the decision, but it’s Pastor Rod’s, not mine. Actually, I was on your side, but he insisted we do it his way.”

Instead, I represented the decision as ours. I said, “This is what we decided is the best course of action.”

While it is important to give feedback (and even periodic pushback) to your pastor, it should happen privately, with honor and respect. Disagreements should never take place in a public setting.

Don’t throw your lead pastor under the bus just to earn points with others.

7. Communicate

A key component of any healthy relationship is good communication. When staff members communicate well with the lead pastor, even difficult seasons seem to work out because there is honesty and trust.

Poor communication, on the other hand, creates a breeding ground for confusion, doubt and resentment.

Make a commitment to update your pastor regularly about what is happening in your area of ministry. Include him or her in email summaries of meetings. Reach out if a problem arises. When a schedule change might affect your pastor or others on staff, provide ample notice.

In most cases, such communication can take the form of “FYI” emails. Lead pastors don’t have to respond to every message, but they want to stay informed. Being blindsided by a situation someone should have mentioned earlier is the last thing they want.

Don’t excuse poor communication with statements like, “I didn’t think it mattered,” or “I didn’t want to bother you.”

Let your pastor decide what’s important. At worst, he or she deletes the message and moves on. But more often, your willingness to communicate will prevent frustration and build trust.

8. Avoid Hypotheticals

Resist the thought, If only I were in charge.

Some staff members daydream about being the boss. They’re sure they could handle the church better than the lead pastor does.

If we fully understood the stress of the position, we’d all have a new appreciation for our pastors.

Being a lead pastor is one of the most demanding jobs there is. The financial, organizational, spiritual, and relational strains are enormous — and pastors often carry those burdens alone. They don’t whine to us. In fact, they don’t even tell us about most of their problems.

It’s easy to second-guess decisions when we don’t know all the details. In most cases, the idea that we would have done something differently comes from hindsight. If he or she had the ability to see the future, perhaps your lead pastor would have made a better call.

When you start thinking you’re wiser than the person God called to lead the congregation, check your pride. And be thankful you don’t carry the burden of being the one in charge.

9. Practice Honesty

There is a temptation to spin work-related narratives to our advantage. We may exaggerate good things that happen so we can look better or impress people, while downplaying bad things to avoid looking foolish.

These partial truths are also partial lies, designed to save face by providing enough information to avoid falsehood but not enough to expose our mistakes.

Telling the truth — the whole truth, the first time — saves everyone a lot of trouble.

In your relationship with your lead pastor, practice honesty. If your pastor is as sharp as mine, he or she already knows more than you realize.

Telling the difficult truth and owning up to mistakes is better than developing a reputation for being deceitful and untrustworthy.

10. Express Appreciation

Many staff members say they enjoy working with their lead pastor. But often, it has been a long time since they told their pastor that.

It’s important not only to be thankful for the people God places in your life, but also to express it in a way that communicates your heart.

For appreciation to be received, it must be sincere. Don’t just go through the motions and hope you get the right message across.

Ask God for grace to see past imperfections and appreciate the opportunity to partner with your pastor in ministry.

If you’re not feeling thankful, take time to pray. Ask God for grace to see past imperfections and appreciate the opportunity to partner with your pastor in ministry.

Over the past few years, I’ve tried to make gratitude a normal part of my communication. I send thank you notes to my pastor for all kinds of things, but especially for being a terrific leader and friend.

Sometimes, I even give my pastor small gifts to show my appreciation. I want him to know I don’t take him for granted. Communicating this strengthens our relationship.

If you’re struggling in your relationship with your pastor, take some time to make a fair and accurate diagnosis of the issue. Start by asking yourself, Is it me? Am I causing or contributing to the problem? If so, what do I need to do differently?

Prayerfully review the 10 principles above, giving yourself a grade in each area. Be honest with God and yourself.

Maybe you’ve done all these things, but the relationship still isn’t healthy. If that’s the case and you’ve lovingly approached your pastor about it with no improvement in the situation, it might be time to move on. There’s nothing noble about staying in a toxic environment.

Regardless of your situation, always keep an eternal perspective in view.

In Paul’s letter to the Colossians, he wrote, “Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving” (Colossians 3:23–24).

This article appears in the winter 2024 issue of Influence magazine.