When it comes to air travel, it’s best to travel light. Why pay extra fees to check larger luggage at the gate if you can pack less and travel with a single carry-on? Not only will you save money, but you’ll also save the hassle of lugging bags through the airport and waiting for them to arrive when you reach your destination.

Marriage is a lot like traveling. Most people take more than a carry-on into their lives as husband and wife. They check their baggage while they’re dating, only to find it arriving after they’ve reached their final destination: marriage. Once opened, the couple often discovers unexpected issues. That’s our story.

In the fall of 1996, we met as college students on the campus of Evangel University in Springfield, Missouri. As we fell in love, we naturally dreamed about becoming husband and wife. We spent every free moment together, and our countless conversations built a foundation for the future we planned. Despite the depths of our dialogue, we were completely unaware of the baggage that would arrive after we said, “I do.”

We came from two different backgrounds, as a small-town boy who grew up in an abusive home and a pastor’s daughter who struggled with living her life on public display. One grew up eating frog legs and chitterlings, while the other ate casseroles, steak and potatoes. We were both fully committed to Christ. Still, neither of us truly realized how our childhood experiences would interrupt our wedded bliss with communication challenges, trust issues, insecurities and unrealistic expectations.

It didn’t take long to realize that we were unaware of the baggage in our lives. Not only had we checked our bags while we were dating, but, for a time, we had forgotten them altogether. When the heavy load finally emerged, unpacking brought many painful moments. However, our relationship began to strengthen the moment we acknowledged the baggage we brought into the marriage.

As our issues came into the light, we were better able to support each other, provide accountability and heal together. Although we couldn’t go back and exchange our heavy baggage for a carry-on, we unpacked it together. The same is true for your marriage: You can’t go back and get a brand new start, but you can start today and get a brand new end.

We understand the spiritual, emotional and physical demands of serving together in ministry. No matter how much we give, there is always more to do. If we’re not ministering from a healthy foundation, we can become overwhelmed, exhausted, unpleasant versions of ourselves. That’s why it’s vital that we unpack our bags rather than allowing them to cause collateral damage in every area of our lives.

Unpacking Priorities
It’s a common story that leaves many couples suffering in silence. In the beginning, the husband and wife are full of passion as they accept the call of God into full-time ministry. Sadly and unintentionally, along the way, they find themselves off course, depleted and wondering where they made a wrong turn. Other people now monopolize the time they once shared.

While it’s easy to point to ministry as the reason for this scenario, the struggle is often rooted in a deeper personal issue. We wrongly blame ministry for a failure to set boundaries, invest in the marriage or shed unhealthy habits that sabotage relationships.

The truth is we make time for our priorities. For some individuals, a people-pleasing addiction, a workaholic tendency or some other issue robs the marriage and family of precious time. While ministry is a high-investment calling, it’s not the sole source of our struggles; it simply exposes our pre-existing weaknesses. Every person has 24 hours a day, 168 hours a week, to spend their time as they choose. You can change the quality of your life and marriage if you’re intentional about how you spend these hours. While there are non-negotiable tasks each day, there are also many opportunities for personal choices. Control your schedule; don’t let your schedule control you.

In addition to our personal schedules, we have a shared family calendar that lists all of our family’s activities. This helps ensure that our priorities don’t get pushed to the back of the list. As couples in ministry know, you don’t have to work hard at making ministry a priority. There’s a non-stop flow of needs to meet, work to complete and emails to send. You do have to work hard to make your marriage the priority, however. Happily, it can be the most rewarding and fun work you will ever do.

If you are serious about making your marriage a priority, you may need to eliminate unnecessary activities — including some of your children’s activities — from your schedule to provide an adequate amount of time with your spouse. God doesn’t call you to meet everyone’s needs, but He does call you to meet the needs of your spouse.

You can’t go back and get a brand new start, but you can start today and get a brand new end.

Since our first year of marriage in 1997, we have maintained a weekly date every Thursday night. This is our opportunity to have fun, engage in deep conversations, learn more about each other, and enjoy focused time together. Because we’re committed to keeping Thursday night our night, we often say “no” to other people, including our children, so we can “yes” to each other.

Just as we have a Thursday date night, we have a Friday family date almost every week. Our children look forward to this family focused time together. Also, in each season of life, we look at our family calendar and schedule family dinners around the table. We currently have Monday, Wednesday and Friday sit-down dinners together. On the other evenings, we may be eating on the go as we have sports practices and church activities. It’s important to be realistic about the schedule and develop a plan that is attainable.

Unpacking Expectations
Failing to deal with baggage leads to me-focused thinking. Eventually, it gives rise to resentment — toward your calling, your ministry and your spouse. A great marriage is not me-focused; it’s we-focused. Recognize what your spouse is not supposed to be so that you can become all that God wants you to be — together.

1. Your spouse is not your enemy. Your spouse may fall short of your expectations, but remember that this person is your life partner and a gift from God.

2. Your spouse is not God. Your spouse will never meet the needs that God alone can satisfy. Your spouse can meet natural needs, but only God can give you purpose, meaning and direction. Stop placing unrealistic expectations on your spouse, and look to God for your ultimate fulfillment.

3. Your spouse is not perfect. Everyone makes mistakes. No human has all the solutions to life’s problems. It’s unfair to hold others to a higher standard than the one you have for yourself. Don’t hypocritically pick at a speck in your spouse’s eye when there is a plank in your own eye (Matthew 7:3-5). To experience a thriving marriage, remove the plank from your eye and focus on self-improvement, not spouse-improvement.

It’s easy to identify our spouse’s shortcomings, but we can only heal our marriages if we first identify and own our imperfections. It’s not always easy. Personal revelations can be painful because they expose weaknesses that make us feel less valuable. But in reality, accepting our weakness actually makes us stronger as we journey to a brand new end.

Unpacking Communication
Even in thriving marriages, not all conversations are easy. It’s an act of love to have difficult, but needed, discussions with your spouse. How can anyone successfully meet a spouse’s needs without knowing what makes that husband or wife feel loved? To make progress, you must identify the goal. Ask your spouse what makes him or her feel loved, wanted, supported and honored. “Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves” (Romans 12:10).

While some marriages struggle with honest communication, most couples encounter miscommunication: “I thought you said … I thought you did … I thought you were thinking … I assumed you were … .” When we fail to clear up these assumptions, we have a problem that only grows bigger. Miscommunication opens the door for our spiritual enemy to whisper lies in our ears: You married the wrong person. You two just aren’t compatible. Your spouse never listens to you. You don’t matter to your spouse. Somebody else would understand you better.

Satan used this tactic of deception that breeds discontent against Adam and Eve in Genesis 3, bringing doubt and confusion that led them away from God. The devil is out to destroy relationships. He wants husbands and wives to turn from God, and from each other. To avoid Satan’s trap, couples should remain spiritually alert, stay united in their God-given mission, and walk together with Jesus.

Many married couples go through the motions of life together without communicating, praying or building each other up in Christ. Even as their marriages teeter on the brink of destructive decisions, they continue in unhealthy patterns of miscommunication or no communication. As with Adam and Eve, this creates an opening for Satan to come in and wreak havoc.

Miscommunication creates confusion, confusion creates conflict, and conflict results in consequences. We should use our words to work through issues rather than creating bigger issues with poorly chosen speech. Our words should help, not hurt, our spouse. Ephesians 4:29 says, “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.”

Without exception, open and honest communication is vital to building a healthy marriage. Communication is difficult if we allow walls to form — walls of hurt, protection or resentment. Walls of any kind require healing that begins with the Lord. Effective communication takes time. Just as you can’t force a person to change, you can’t solve layers of marriage struggles with one quick conversation. Embrace the journey of healing with patience and love.

Unpacking Habits
Words hold great power, but they can become empty if we fail to follow through with action. Ultimately, it’s not about what we say, but what we sow, through daily, disciplined, Spirit-led habits — when it’s easy and when it’s not so easy. We can say we have a great marriage, but words alone don’t make it true, just like saying we have a garden full of fresh vegetables doesn’t make it so. The only way we will reap a bountiful harvest is by sowing seed. Galatians 6:7 says, “Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows.”

You can’t sow anger and reap peace. You can’t sow judgment and reap grace. You can’t sow selfishness and reap generosity. You can’t sow bickering and reap togetherness. You can’t sow neglect and reap love. A spouse reaps what he or she sows into the relationship. Although you can’t change your spouse, you can change yourself. Focus on sowing good seeds into your marriage.

Some couples may need to sow a seed by going to marriage counseling. Many married couples maintain the unrealistic expectation that they can have a great marriage without the help of others. They insist, “I’m not opening up to anyone about my marriage. I’m not telling people about my baggage. I don’t need people.”

In truth, we all need people. According to Proverbs 15:22, “Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed.”

We have found great support from our Christian friendships. These couples encourage, support, love and challenge us to be the best spouses possible. Together, we reinforce the value of marriage. “Walk with the wise and become wise, for a companion of fools suffers harm” (Proverbs 13:20).

As we unpack our bags together, we should also remember that in marriage there are wow days, and there are vow days. Wow days are full of great moments that fill one’s heart with love. Stress is low, and the relationship feels easy. On the flip side, not every day is sunshine and roses. There are vow days when it may be more difficult to find “warm fuzzies” for your spouse, but you remember your vow and your love. Perhaps money is tight and bills are due. Maybe your spouse is experiencing an illness.

No matter the circumstances, a thriving marriage embraces both the wow days and the vow days. A thriving marriage partner extends loving grace, understanding that we all fall short. “Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins” (1 Peter 4:8).

Happy Ending
Friends, we all need the Lord’s help. While we’re responsible to do our part, we desperately need the Lord to do what only He can do in our marriages. We need the Lord to heal our hurts, take baggage from our lives, and renew our hope for the future. We need miracles when it seems impossible. After all, with God, all things are possible (Matthew 19:26).

We can say with full confidence that our marriage would be troubled without the help of the Lord. He has given us the precious gift of our story, the challenges, the triumphs, the laughs, the lessons learned. Nineteen years of marriage and four kids later, we can testify of His faithfulness to replace our brokenness with beauty. One day we’ll sit on our front porch, holding hands and drinking iced tea while we watch our grandchildren run through the yard.

For us, unpacking our bags is a small price for our happy ending. It’s true that you can’t go back and get a brand new start, but, with God, you can start today and get a brand new end for your marriage. Your best days are in front of you.

Herbert and Tiffany Cooper are lead pastors of Peoples Church in Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. This article originally appeared in the December 2016/January 2017 issue of Influence. For more print content, subscribe.